Have a giggle

Some are hilarious, most at least raise a wry smile - but there are one or two which aren't even up to Christmas cracker standards.

A hundred celebrities - from Tony Blair to Anna Ford - have contributed their favourite jokes to a new book and the results range from old school knock-knock humour to lengthy shaggy dog stories.

The TV presenters, actors, politicians, sports stars and newsreaders display a collective sense of humour that ranges from the childlike to the childish.

The book, Favourite Jokes: Share A Laugh With 100 Celebrities, is published in support of the Anaphylaxis Campaign, which raises awareness of life-threatening allergies. It is published by Great Northern Books and can be bought in bookshops for £4.99 from tomorrow.

Phil Collins, Singer and drummer

Two girls are walking along when they hear "Psst! Down here!" They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them: "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world-famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!"

The two girls looked at each other and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket.

The other girl said: "What did you do that for?" The first replied: "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!"

Iain Duncan Smith, Leader of the Conservative Party

A polar bear walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the barman.

"I would like ... a gin and tonic, please," replies the polar bear.

"Certainly," says the barman, "but tell me, why the big pause?"

The polar bear replies: "I was born with them."

David Bowie, Rock star

A bloke goes to the doctor and says: "One day I'm a tepee, the next I'm a wigwam." The doctor says: "The trouble is, you're

Anna Ford, Newsreader

Q: What's yellow and dangerous?
A: Shark-infested custard.

Helen Lederer, Comedian

Sister Mary is getting ready for bed. There is a knock on the door and Sister Janet peers round. "Excuse me, Sister Mary, but there's a blind man at the door. He wants to speak to you." Sister Mary looks down. She is totally naked apart from her socks. "Oh very well, send him in." The man walks in and says: "Nice socks, love - now where do you want this blind?"

Andrea Corr, Singer with The Corrs

Q: What's the difference between a bison and a buffalo?
A: You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.

Tony Blair, Prime Minister

Mark: "Do you know, Geordie, Linford Christie and Carl Lewis get over £10,000 a second for the 100 metres?"

Geordie: "Why do they run so fast then?"

Charles Kennedy, Liberal Democrat leader

A man is clearing out the attic when he happens upon an old violin and an old painting. Dusting them off, he takes them downstairs and is about to throw them out when his wife sees them and persuades him not to junk them, but to take them to the antiques expert in town. So he takes the violin and the painting to the expert, who looks them up and down, inspecting them in great detail for a few minutes, before he announces: "What you have here is a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt." The man's face lights up in disbelief at his good fortune.

"Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made rotten violins!"

Ann Widdecombe, Conservative MP

Q: Where do generals keep their armies?
A: Up their sleevies.

Simon Le Bon, Singer, Duran Duran

Q: What do you do if a bird plops on your car?
A: Don't take her out again.

Mo Mowlam, Former Northern Ireland secretary

Q: What do you call a spider with no legs?
A: A raisin.

Gordon Brown, Chancellor of the Exchequer

Q: How can you tell which end of a worm is its head?
A: Tickle it in the middle and see which end giggles.

Paul Merton, Comedian

Two flies are playing football in a saucer.
One says to the other: "We've got to keep practising, we're in the cup next week."

Stephen Fry, Actor and author

Q: Why is honey so expensive in Brazil?
A: Because there's only one B in Brazil.

Carol Smillie, TV presenter

Q: How many ears did Captain Kirk have?
A: Three. A left ear, a right ear and a final frontier!

Ant and Dec, TV presenters

Ant

Q: How do you make a sausage roll?
A: Push it down a hill.

Dec

Q: What's white and blue and really cool?
A: A fridge in a denim jacket.

Chris Tarrant, TV presenter

Q: What kind of bee can you get milk from?
A: A boo-bee.

Ronan Keating, Pop star

A man goes into a pub with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "A pint for me and one for the road, please."

Lorraine Kelly, TV presenter

Q: What do you call a cross between a sheep and a kangaroo?
A: A woolly jumper.

Cat Deeley, TV presenter

Q: Where would you learn how to make ice cream?
A: Sundae school.

Libby Purves, Writer and broadcaster

Q: What's black and steaming and comes backwards out of Cowes?
A: The Isle of Wight ferry.

Jane Asher, Actress, cakemaker and author

Two green beans were crossing the road when one of them was hit by a lorry. His friend scraped him up and rushed him to hospital. After hours of surgery the doctor comes in and says, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that he's going to live ... the bad news is he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

Lord Carey, Former Archbishop of Canterbury

An angel appeared at a faculty meeting and told the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary life, the Lord would reward him with his choice of either infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty.

Without hesitation the dean selected infinite wisdom. "Done!" said the angel and disappeared into a cloud of smoke and bolt of lightning.

In a flash the dean was back in his faculty meeting and all heads turned to the dean who sat surrounded by a faint halo of light.

His sub-dean whispered: "Say something!" The dean looked at the faculty meeting and said: "I knew I should have taken the money!"

John Humphrys, Broadcaster, journalist and author

Tonto and the Lone Ranger were 50 years together as comrades-in-arms, guarding each other's backs and rescuing people in trouble. One day they were in Indian country and surrounded by a tribe of hostile Indians. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto: "Tonto, we're in big trouble, what do we do?" Tonto says: "What do you mean, what do we do - white man?"

Richard Wilson, Actor

Doctor: "You have acute appendicitis."
Patient: "I came here to be examined, not flattered."

John Motson, football commentator

Q: Why was Cinderella no good as a footballer?
A: Because she had a pumpkin for a coach.

Ulrika Jonsson, TV presenter

Q: What is black and white and red all over?
A: A newspaper.