Go for it! Polo

The closest I've come to polo so far was a copy of Jilly Cooper's Riders in my mate's loo. From this I extracted some key points - polo equals top male totty and where there is polo, there is bucolic bling-bling.

It is with this in mind that I make my way to the Ascot Park Polo Club in Surrey for my Saturday morning induction. Among the apple trees, steaming manure and clubhouses there's an air of jet set but, much to my dismay, there's not a single Royal in the class today - there's a Swedish mother and her friend, two students (quite how they can afford this horseplay, I'm not sure), and some twins from Up North. So much for the totty and bling-bling factor.

But then it's 'goodbye students and hello teachers,' as Robert and James approach swinging their polo sticks. Outfit - white riding breeches and kinky leather boots. Effect - schuh-wing! I was told that Ascot caters for all ages and abilities and, by the look of these guys, they certainly do. Robert is one for the experienced rider, while James looks after the younger, less confident lot (that'll be me).

Before we hit the saddle, Robert and James take us through the rules and make us stand on upside-down milk crates - which are meant to imitate ponies - to practise hitting balls from way on high. Like in tennis, there's a backhand, a forehand and a follow-through - except in this sport there's always the danger of decapitating a pony.

The dry run was a good idea. Turns out that practice on a horse - or what they call stick and balling - is as straightforward as juggling ferrets. You've got to hold the reigns in one hand, steer the horse, avoid collision and smack the ball at a gallop. While the other ponies accelerate, Ferrari-style, mine prefers the ambling pace of a donkey. But I'm cool with that. It means I get to spend more time with the teacher.

Ascot Park Polo Club, Windlesham Road, Chobham, Surrey. Call 01276 858545 or visit www.polo.co.uk/appc. Two-hour introductory class £80.