Do you think it's sexy?

I have been suffering from bird flu. Not the Chinese derivative (though at times the symptoms have been so extreme that death seemed highly likely) but an equally virulent strain that seemed to strike the female sex during London Fashion Week. Why this should have been, I do not know - long days and nary a sandwich break, perhaps - but it was bloody inconvenient. Being stuck in bed is not much to write home about. It is certainly not much to write a column about.

Last week was the week of a thousand parties, though, and one trend was so big that even I managed to catch wind of it. Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to embrace the CCC - the Complicated Chest Covering.

The CCC is the hot new thing among game girls about town. In its highest form, it involves as many strands and straps as possible, the aim being to conceal your actual breast while simultaneously revealing as much flesh as your career demands. Now that near nudity is commonplace among celebrities, and breasts are two-a-penny, mere cleavage is no longer enough to wow the red carpet: your tits need to be trussed up like a turkey instead.

I have stared at Rachel Stevens's dress for longer than is seemly, and still can't decide what's going on with it. Do men find this sort of neckline sexy? Answers on a postcard, please. Like a half-finished game of noughts and crosses, her Day-Glo dress is puzzling, to say the least. Tara Palmer-Tomkinson's CCC is more successful, making a feature of her best asset - her flat tummy - while diverting attention from her teeny boobs. The right CCC should flaunt your strengths and camouflage your weaknesses.

At the Elle Style Awards, the CCCs were out in force, though everyone was so drunk and randy it's a wonder any chests stayed covered at all. One of the nicest necklines of the evening came courtesy of model Liberty Ross, whose half-unbuttoned gown was just the right side of complicated. Hers is the look to aim for if you want to buy a CCC yourself: strappy, but not too strappy. And remember, just like Emma Thompson, you must be prepared to go commando and leave your bra at home. Oh, and don't forget the tit tape.