Can single fathers really do the job?

Can men really look after their kids as well as women? Single fathers like Bob Geldof and Tony Parsons passionately believe that they can, yet in 90 per cent of divorce cases, the mother still wins custody.

We spoke to three single dads about going solo with kids in tow.

The new single father
Double trouble - coping with twins
The long term sharer

The new single father

'When I first got custody of Michael, I thought it was just a case of giving orders - you know, "Go to bed," and he would sleep, "Eat," and he would eat,' laughs Campigotto. 'I quickly found out that it wasn't like that. He's got his own character and I had to learn to get along with this little person.'

Campigotto won a residency order over a year ago after two years of marriage. He filed for custody soon after, and believes it was only awarded because the family support agencies and social services supported his case. 'We went to court because his mother was fighting me for Michael,' Franco says. 'I was lucky that I had a lot of people on my side, who thought it was in Michael's best interests to live with me. It wasn't pleasant or easy and it was always in my mind that the judge usually goes with the mother.' He was awarded full custody, while Michael's mother was given access visits.

After taking a month off to sort out a new home, nursery and nanny, Campigotto went back to work full-time. 'I see Michael in the mornings and sometimes in the afternoon I'll pick him up. We spend the whole weekend together. I've bought a sidecar for my Honda so I can take him around with me, which he loves. It's an amazing situation; we do so much together now. I feel guilty when I'm at work, so I often give him a call - which makes me feel even worse. I'm thinking of giving up work so I can spend more time with Michael, but that would be hard financially.'

Being a single dad has brought difficulties. Campigotto feels isolated from mothers in the park who all seem to know each other, and says other dads aren't interested in his situation. So, apart from close friends and family, the emotional support isn't really there. 'Sometimes you just need to know you're doing OK - at the beginning, it's quite scary. There have been disasters. I once put a plastic tray in the oven and it melted, and now I know that Michael won't eat his food unless it's chopped up finely. I've also learned how to negotiate with him when things aren't going his way.

Perhaps it's easier because he's a boy - it might be harder with a girl. But I do think men can bring up their children just as well as women - it's all about your approach. My father was a single parent after I lost my mother at 14; he was left with me and my younger brother, who was six. He wasn't very good at it; he was big on discipline, but the emotional side was ignored. Instead, he would overcompensate by cooking amazing meals, or waking up early and getting a fantastic breakfast ready - which probably made bringing us up more difficult than it actually needed to be. I'm trying a different approach. I want it to be fun, but my priority is to build a strong relationship with Michael and make sure he is happy and settled.'

When Michael asks about his mother, Campigotto explains when he will see her next, adding, 'he's happy with that and not too confused'. He agrees with Geldof that the law is weighted in favour of the mother in most cases. 'Years ago, a father may not have thought about asking for custody. Now a lot of fathers might want to do what I've done but, legally, I think it's becoming more difficult. Barristers have told me it's not something you can dream of, unless you have particular circumstances and agencies backing you. If not, forget it. I count my blessings every day; I know I would never have bonded with Michael as I have now, even if I was still married.'

Double trouble

'They were born early, at 27 weeks,' he explains. 'They weighed 2lb each. My ex-wife found it stressful looking after them when they first came home, aged 11 weeks. So I changed my working arrangements and got regular time off so I could look after them. I'm a social worker with a background in childcare, plus I worked as a chef for six years. It made sense.'

When Horton's wife decided in May 1998 that their marriage was over, he assumed it would make sense if they shared custody. He moved into a nearby flat ('She wouldn't move, and eventually I had to go for the children's sake'), did up its only bedroom as a room for Lois and Thomas, and settled into a routine of spending weekends and occasional mid-week nights with his children.

'They were finding it stressful, but I was determined I wouldn't break away from them.' Then, in December, a fire in the twins' family home transformed the situation. 'A mattress caught fire and Lois nearly died,' Horton recalls. 'She had to be resuscitated. After that, they were too scared to stay in the house, so they came to live with me.' Months later, the twins' mother moved to Cyprus to be with her new boyfriend and Horton was awarded custody fairly effortlessly in July 2000. 'My ex was abroad; I explained I was concerned she might take the twins out of the country, and I got the residency order.' His wife didn't contest the decision. 'I don't know if it upset her,' he says. 'She never expressed any anger.'

Horton insists he was never daunted by the prospect of bringing up his children alone, and there wasn't a great deal he had to learn how to do. 'I was lucky in terms of the experience I'd had through my job, and also because my boss was flexible and understanding about letting me have time off. I was never scared or overwhelmed by it.'

But he admits that 'doing everything' took a bit of getting used to. 'I had to accept that you can't always keep on top of things in the way you can when there are two of you. The house gets into a bit of a state from time to time. You have to learn to let it go and deal with it later.' Beyond that, the biggest adjustment was accepting that 'All my time is consumed by the children. I used to go out and get pissed with friends at weekends. I couldn't do that any more. And I realised I couldn't take the risk of having another relationship break down on them, so I didn't date. I did have a girlfriend for a while in 1999, and she got on very well with them, but I had to ask: "How interested am I really in her?" And I ended it. So there are sacrifices. But a father's a father. It's just what I do.'

He admits that there are low points. His ex-wife flies over from Cyprus roughly once a year to see Thomas and Lois, and 'they get mega upset when she goes back. The worst time was this year, when she said she'd come over three times, and she didn't. I was up through the night with them, each time. It's very upsetting, obviously. But as they get older, they start to understand, to think it through more carefully.'

Horton is upbeat about the prospect of dealing with the twins' imminent adolescence. 'It doesn't scare me. Call it na?vety, if you like. But if one of them gets stroppy, I say: "It's Harry Hormones starting up." I'm very open with them, open with Lois about women's issues. But maybe you should ask me again in a couple of years how I'm coping.'

The long-term sharer

Simon Finch, 46, shares custody of his son, Jack, aged 12. He lives in London and runs a shop called Simon Finch Rare Books in Notting Hill.

'Jack was about two and half when his mother and I separated,' says Finch. 'We divorced when he was seven so, until then, arrangements weren't really formalised: we just agreed we weren't going to fight over Jack, and that we were both going to be there for him.'

When his ex-wife began a new relationship and threatened to move abroad, Finch says he started to get frightened about losing his son and knew that the time had come to get everything in writing. He describes the ensuing legal process as 'getting a bill for arguing', as they hammered out the details of their eventual divorce and custody arrangements for their son. Running his own business meant Simon had more flexibility than most dads, so it was easy to share more of the care if he wanted to.

'My ex can't take him out of the country to live without my permission now and Jack goes to a weekly boarding school, so we both see him for alternate weekends ? and I have him for roughly half of the summer holidays,' explains Finch.

'Our relationship has really developed over the years. At first, I'd feel a bit lonely and inadequate. I had to learn to cook "kid" meals, and tried to make contact with other people who had little children, too. Funnily enough, one of my good friends was a single dad at the weekends and also had a son called Jack, so we would hang out together. But when Jack was really young, we could hardly go to a football match or rock concert, as we do now. Sometimes, if I was invited to a dinner party, I would take him along and settle him down in one of the bedrooms until going-home time, but he didn't really like that.'

Being a single dad, he says, did win him some female admirers. 'I thought that as a single father it might be hard to meet women, but not at all. I don't think women are as put off as men are when they meet someone new and they have a child. In some cases, I think it actually helped ? seeing a man getting on well with his son actually makes you more attractive to some women,' laughs Finch.

Today, as Jack gets older, Finch thinks that they are growing even closer. Recently, they went on a river trip to Mexico with eight other father and sons, and Jack's passion for music has meant that this summer they have been to concerts by Green Day, the Sex Pistols and Joe Strummer's new band. 'I've had a great time,' says Finch. 'I have tried to be a "nice" dad, so I probably haven't been great on the discipline side of things, but our relationship is more natural now. And luckily,' he adds, 'Jack is developing the same tastes in things as me.'