Born sloppy

The least passionate kiss to be captured on film was that time Prince Charles had to accept a trophy off Princess Diana after a triumph on the polo field. What should have been a touching moment turned into a silent but deadly display of dirty laundry. Taking the cup, Charles affected a manoeuvre that was more of a spasm than a gesture of affection. He moved his face violently to Diana's righthand side, wincing his facial muscles and affecting a gruesome, lopsided pucker until his face resembled that of a severe stroke victim. It confirmed what we suspected: the royal fairy-tale was over.

Now, a study conducted by a German psychologist has revealed that Charles and Diana's style of kiss is pretty much the norm. Herr Gunturkun (whose name sounds like an austere Teutonic breakfast dish) studied amorous couples and discovered that most turn to the right when they kissed. But you can't apply the theory of Vorsprung Durch Technik to something as visceral and spontaneous as kissing. What I would like to ask Gunturkun is this: could Charles and Di have made their marriage work if they had kissed more? I think he would say "yes".

Kissing is the world's most underrated sexual practice. Even when she has bad breath, kissing is unadulterated halitosex. Nothing is more passionate than stopping your loved one in the street for a tongue kung-fu session. How people can find such behaviour repulsive is beyond me.

Yes, observing a close-up of a pair of duelling tongues lubricated by copious amounts of Smirnoff Ice can be like watching the Alien wrestling a Saveloy. Then again, considering what a permissive society we live in, it's amazing just how rarely you do spot a kissing couple these days.

Apparently, this is because snogging virtually stops a year or so into a romantic affiliation. This was confirmed by a quick poll of my married friends. "Snogging seems silly when you've been married for seven years," one woman told me. Which is sad. It's the small things in life that make the difference.

Despite Charles's dubious technique, the royals, I have it on good authority, love to kiss. "When you are in an informal situation with a member of the royal family - male or female - you do this thing they call 'kiss, bob, snog'," says the socialite and interior designer Nicky Haslam. "Which means you peck, bow then hug," he explains. "But you have to know them well, of course."

You can also use the act of not kissing as a way of making yourself more attractive. The legendary fashion photographer Terence Donovan once told me that, during his sexual heyday in the 1960s, he would take out dozens of models but never kiss them on the first date. Or the second. Or the third. "By the fourth date they would be desperate to kiss me - and do anything else I wanted them to do."

Perhaps we should take note from David and Victoria Beckham, who kiss in public like a couple of lovelorn teenagers. Sorry if this sounds smug and over-intimate but my wife is a really great kisser, too.

She has this fat, squishy section on her bottom lip, like an upside-down Cupid's bow that just begs to be kissed. Even now we kiss in the park and in cinemas. The relief I felt all those years ago after my first kiss with her was akin to getting the all-clear after a prostate examination.

I just couldn't have married her if she hadn't been such a good kisser. And we've been together for 10 years.