Beckham's house of horrors

Theatre of Dreams it definitely ain't. The closest David Beckham's new local football pitch comes to hallowed turf is a patch of green weed in a dustbowl goalmouth.

But one day - if such dreams are allowed to come true - the Manchester United and England ace could be bending it into the back of the net against the little-known might of Bargemon Football Club.

Provided, that is, the local groundsmen can rustle up a net in time. Beckham and his wife Victoria are buying a £1.5million house in woodland above the village, set in sun-drenched tranquility off the road to St Tropez.

A few hundred yards away is the ground where Bargemon have scored some of their yet-to-become-legendary victories.

Yesterday, by way of a welcome, the team captain and the local mayor invited Becks to bring over a few mates for a match when he moves into the villa in the summer.

Bargemon against the world is how skipper Georges Merlino, a sprightly 44-year-old in an increasingly tight-fitting Man U shirt, is billing it. He said yesterday he would be writing to Beckham to make the invitation official.

Mayor Pierre Blanc also held out the hand of welcome (although he made it clear that naturellement, he would prefer Becks to play for Bargemon rather than against them).

So who are Bargemon FC? Well, there's Monsieur Merlino, who works part time in his brother-in-law's bar and does his best to organise matches. There's a painter in the team, a builder, a tiler and a restaurant owner. They are all aged somewhere between 20 and 40-something, and they usually toss a coin to see who goes in goal.

Most of the matches are organised in local bars, which is also where the celebrations take place afterwards.

And the pitch? It is situated close enough to the newlyacquired Beckingham Palais for our hero to hear the roar of the crowd, but far enough away not to intrude on his privacy.

No, it's certainly not Old Trafford. Indeed it currently bears more resemblance to a motorway construction site, formed as it is from compacted gravel and dust.

The touchlines look as if they were chalked by a drunk, and some oik has left car-tracks all over the midfield.

But from beneath the shade of an olive tree near the touchline, you can see precisely what Posh and Becks found so precious about the outer environs of Bargemon - a tranquility broken only by birdsong.

Their 34-room villa is set in 250 acres and has its own vineyard. Essentially it is a house of two halves - the main building is separated from a private chapel on the estate by a luxury swimming pool.

There are terraced gardens, a natural spring and a sculpted fountain. Decor is described as Italianate Provencal (that's the architecture, by the way, not a Milan Serie A team)

One aspect which probably wasn't in the sale particulars is its rather morbid history. The previous owner committed suicide by putting a shotgun to his head.

Briton Leslie Duck, a retired EU bureaucrat and historian, was found in the study and his body is interred in the chapel. It was his Swiss wife Catherine who sold the house to the Beckhams.

In the village yesterday, the arrival of Britain's most celebrated of celebrities was being greeted with a mixture of pride and caution. Pride that the Beckhams should have chosen Bargemon as their close season retreat, but cautious that the attention might turn the village into a photo-fest.

At the moment the woods around the 19th century Domaine Saint-Vincent are a habitat mainly for roe deer (capreolus capreolus ) and European wild boar (sus. scrofa), Soon, some fear, it might be populated by freelance photographers (pappus paparrazi) and echo to the overhead whirr of helicopter blades.

With it, they worry, the anonymity that the Bargemon area has traditionally offered its shy visitors (Princess Diana, Sean Connery, Jeremy Paxman and Lord Howe were among the names whispered yesterday) could disappear.

For the moment, though, there is only the buzz of excitement. Thirteen-year- old Michael McAlexander, whose stepfather runs one of five restaurants within free-kick distance of the main square, cycled proudly through the narrow streets for some hours, wearing his Beckham shirt.

'It's brilliant,' he said of the arrival of his footballing hero.

Villager Celine Lemain said locals couldn't wait for the Beckhams to get settled in.

The 24-year-old blonde told the Daily Mail: 'The men want to see Victoria and the girls all want to get an eyeful of David. I think he's absolutely gorgeous. Apparently he's quite a good footballer too.'

On a less excitable note, Jill and Nick Leader, who used to teach in Kent but have had a holiday and retirement home here for 12 years, declared: 'If they want a traditional, Provencal home in splendid surroundings, then this is the place to be.'

No problem either about a welcome in the Cafe du Commerce - it has for many years been decorated with signed MUFC photographs and other memorabilia, and boasts a 1996-97 team photo that features a youthful Becks in the days when he had sensible hair.

So that's David taken care of. What about Posh? Neither she nor her husband speak much French, although friendlier ex-pats in the village routinely help out if you get stuck.

There is no direct translation of 'Posh' in French but the nearest equivalent is 'bcbg' - short for bon chic bon genre.

Bad news on the shopping front though. The only clothes shop is the fiercely proud Petit Provence, but Francoise Muzzin, 39, sells more lace tops than Prada bags, and far more T-shirts than Gucci jackets.

Her finest floral skirt costs just 50 euros, although Bargemon fashion pundits predicted yesterday that bright yellow would not be her colour.

Milan, however, is a mere 199 miles away, and Paris 437. Don't tell Becks, but Madrid is just a 567-mile hop.

And the big match in Bargemon? Canny observers believe the chances of Beckham risking injury on a lumpy old soccer pitch - even to make friends with the locals - are slim indeed. Or maybe he just knows how good they really are.