Why I hate the beer festival

Only five days to go until the Great British Beer Festival at Olympia. I can't wait! Not really. I think it's a ridiculous idea. If there's one thing I hate more than the taste of beer, it's the thought of a beer festival. I've never been able to stomach the drink, and I'm bored beyond redemption of the culture which surrounds it. Sorry if I sound bitter. Funnily enough, I am also stout.

Wine has an annoying culture too - all that swilling and spitting, postal wine clubs and holidays in the Napa Valley - but at least it tastes nice. Beer, which comes in great gassy pintfuls, always reminds me of the joke about two people lost in the desert (Bad news - there's nothing to eat but camel dung. Good news - there's lots of it).

Why does beer need its own festival? Or rather festivals - month in, month out, there are beer festivals all over the country. What are we, Germany? I don't see why such a fuss is needed. Personally I like a peach Snapple, but I don't need to gather with a hundred like-minded people and sing songs about it.

It's beery fun all the way at Olympia next week. You can sup from more than 400 ales including Whippling Golden Bitter, Black Sheep, Boggart Hole Clough, Acremoss Amber, Gravedigger's Mild and Bishop's Finger. It may sound like the starting line-up for the 4.30 at Haydock Park, but to a beer drinker this list is pure ambrosia. The hardcore fan likes nothing better than a mouthful of Summer Hog, a snifter of Firebellied Toad and a taste of Village Elder. Even now, real ale fans all over London are marinating their chins in Miracle Gro, nursing those beards in time for the party.

Apparently they're trying to attract more women to the festival this year. So the organisers claim, anyway. But just look at these beer names: Bullmastiff, Barnstormer, Halifax Bomber. I ask you, are they ladies' tipples? The desperate machismo just makes me feel tired. 'Halifax Bomber', for Christ's sake! It's a fizzy drink, not a military aircraft. This is for men who rue the decline of war in their lifetime, but reckon their testosterone levels are amply demonstrated by sinking ten pints of Barnstormer after a long day selling advertising space.

Beer obsessives are more than catered for at next week's fiesta. German, Italian, Dutch and Belgian lagers will be served at the 'Bi?res Sans Fronti?res' bar. The editor of The Good Beer Guide will be on hand to teach people how to drink it. 'Mouthwatering food will be served': or, to put it another way, The Crusty Pie Company will have a stall. We're talking about beer snacks here.

And there's a competition to win a fantastic prize. Can you guess? Yes, a trip to the Budvar Brewery in the Czech Republic. Let's hope it's won by a newly engaged man, as it would make a wonderful surprise honeymoon. I hear that quickie divorces are quite easily come by in Moravia. And next Thursday, there's a 'Trappist Beer Tasting' hosted by Tim Webb. I don't know what this involves, but I hope they remain true to the Trappist way, viz: drink your beer and shut up about it.

Great British Beer Festival, Tue 6-Sat 10 Aug, Olympia, Hammersmith Road, W14 (01727 867 201).