Welcome to <i>my</i> members club

Although I have never yearned to hang out at the bar of the Groucho, I have to admit to being partial to the odd membership myself. If I am honest, like many Londoners I am addicted to membership. Quite simply there is a gratification to be derived from belonging. Being on the list, being greeted by name and served the "usual" bolsters the self-esteem in a way that only prescription medication can match. But in these straitened times, membership, like so many addictions, can become a little too costly.

And it is not just the fees and dues that hit you hard, it costs to eat and drink in these places, to which you have to add the rising price of a cab home at the end of an evening's revelry. However, a solution is at hand: with membership bars and rooms springing up everywhere from Clapham to Camden, there is the sense that anyone can turn their hand to the membership game, so I thought I might give it a try.

The idea of a membership club of one's own is seductive. For a start, the premises are not just the home-from-home that club proprietors are so fond of promising - they are, in fact, your home. Then there is the committee. This can be a potential hurdle, forever blocking membership applications and holding meetings to decide on club rules. Once again, when you knit your own club those old committee worries melt away - you are your own committee, approving your own membership or blackballing yourself, should the mood take you.

Once you have been approved by your committee, paid yourself a hefty joining fee (non-refundable, of course) and then set up a standing order to pay yourself your annual membership charges, you can begin to enjoy the many facilities of your new members' club.

First, there is the splendid club-room, which bears an uncanny resemblance to your sitting room. The club room, as any members' prospectus will tell you, is a haven from the pressures of modern life: so, ensconced in the comfort of your own clubroom, you can browse through the papers, and perhaps catch sight of one or two fashionable celebrities in the pages of Heat magazine.

The club-room also has stunning audiovisual facilities - your telly and micro hi-fi - which can be booked to watch major sporting events.

Moreover, for a token reservation fee, you can benefit from that latest members' club must-have: the private-screening room, which can be rented for discreet viewings of Hollywood epics or European art-house films. Simply move your video or DVD to the spare room, join the local branch of Blockbuster, draw the curtains et voila, your private screening room is ready to take its first booking.

Like every smart London members' club, yours boasts an exquisite dining room with a quite amazing view of the kitchen. And, of course, there is never any difficulty getting a booking and the best table, in fact the only table (otherwise known as your kitchen table) is always at your disposal.

In common with all the best places, your club can boast the services of a top-notch executive chef. The adjective "executive" usually means that the chef does very little cheffing but lots of advising on the menu. Quite simply your club is never going to amount to anything without an executive chef; so it is jolly lucky that Sainsbury's is just around the corner where you can draw upon the expertise of Jamie Oliver (who, in addition to acting as your executive chef, helped Monte's relaunch its restaurant).

If there is no Sainsbury's nearby, then there must be a Tesco, where you buy "restaurant-quality" ready meals called "Tesco's Finest", which have been put together under the aegis of chefs, including Anton Edelmann of the Savoy, Paul Gayler of the Lanesborough, and Brian Turner of the television - even the smartest membership club would find it tricky to muster three executive chefs.

The only slight stumbling block is the absence of a top mixologist; still, after the third or fourth Bacardi Breezer, the absence of a top cocktail barman begins to seem like less of a barrier than it might have done. Instead, having downed a few more premixed drinks, the overriding benefit of having a membership club in your own house becomes apparent - the fact that your club offers overnight accommodation at the top of the stairs.