They're crackers in Balham!

A hundred years ago, when I first started out in the hospitality industry, I worked under the tyrannical regime of a despot, who deemed that punching her staff was acceptable and necessary retribution for underperformance.

We knew where we stood - high on our toes and quick on our wits - and heaven help the fool who went to her with a problem that wasn't already solved. Her name was Nancy, and I miss her to this day. But more of her later.

These days such brutality seems to have fallen out of fashion, and I'm guessing that proprietor Nick Jones has never raised so much as an octave in anger against his staff. Jones - who has now arrived in Balham by way of Soho (Soho House and Cafe Boheme), Somerset (Babington House), Notting Hill (Electric Brasserie) and New York (another Soho House) - has always struck me as the master of simplicity, and he's probably made a small fortune out of doing simple things well.

The Balham Kitchen & Bar couldn't be a more simple, straightforward venue where, happily, the bar dominates a modern space. The drinks are good without being sublime, the food pedestrian without being worthy of particular note. But what Jones continues to provide is venues that cater for young, beautiful, aspirational folk who want to associate with their like-minded peers.

And Balham - 'Gateway To The South' in Peter Sellers' parody of a travelogue - is proof positive that the further-flung neighbourhoods of London are usurping the West End as drinking destinations. Even in its early days of operation, the Kitchen & Bar was packed with appreciative young folk creating a buzzing atmosphere in which to enjoy the food and drink fare.

The wine list is long and extensive, demonstrating an eclectic offering of New and Old World wines, starting at £12 for the house red or white, and rising to £195 for a bottle of Chateau Pichon Longueville 1983. A small selection of spirits are used to make adequate cocktails, and Stella, Guinness, Staropramen and Hoegaarden are offered on draught.

The menu is full of things you want to eat - Cumberland sausages with parsley mash, lamb chops, fish and pasta dishes, and a selection of sandwiches includes a (very dry) cheeseburger served on a slab of wood and with a small pail of fries.

I wanted to finish off one of my evenings with a plate of cheese and biscuits, but was told they had no biscuits. Sensing my disappointment, our nice waitress helpfully pointed out the proximity of the local Safeway supermarket, and in the ensuing discussion it was decided that I would be the one to go and purchase the biscuits.

It was at that moment that the image of Nancy came to my mind. What she was saying is unprintable, and what she was threatening to do to the staff would have landed her in court if it weren't for the fact that she is already spinning in her grave.

Nevertheless, my 42p purchase of a packet of Jacob's Cream Crackers made its own statement by taking pride of place centre table. When I offered to sell them on to the manager at the end of the evening, he informed me that he'd just sent someone over to Safeway to buy some. Inspired by me? I asked. 'Erm, yes,' he replied, a tad embarrassed. It wasn't down to me, of course. It was down to Nancy.