Pass the vino, Chelsea

10 April 2012

The dinner party, according to latest research, has never been more popular. Keen to show off our homes and culinary skills, we are spending £11 billion a year on 313 million dinner parties. But while a good dinner party will mark you out as a person of sound taste, reasonable income and ample bonhomie, a bad one will relegate you to the bottom of the social special-needs class.

Nicky Haslam - a man frequently described as 'the host with the most' - advises keeping things simple when entertaining at home. 'My ideal menu would be caviar followed by bangers and mash with a chocolate marquise to finish,' he says. 'If there are vegetarians, they can like it or leave it. It's terribly common to take one's dietary baggage to a dinner party.'

But the crucial element, as Nicky points out, is the right mix of guests. 'I spend ages drawing up imaginary guest lists for my ideal London dinner party. Now, if one could invite anybody, one would have to include...'

Camilla Parker Bowles

Nicky says... One should do one's bit to introduce Camilla to a wider social circuit and, on the off-chance that Harry doesn't show up, you'll still have a sort-of royal at the table.

Do offer her a fag. She's just given up, but she's so charming about refusing.

Don't mention the Duchess of Devonshire - they're not speaking after that squabble over the tiaras at the V&A.

Jude Law

Nicky says... Call me old-fashioned, but I always think you need a boy at a dinner party who's prepared to flirt with the girls (and, chances are, Will Young won't). Of course, Jude is used to women going all unnecessary over him and he's utterly committed to Sadie, but he's a professional and he knows what's expected.

Do encourage him to call his next baby Nicky. I'd be terribly flattered.

Don't let him and Kate Moss start arguing about fur - it'll put people off their food.

Kate Moss

Nicky says... Kate has to be invited for her incredible hugs. Being embraced by Kate is like being embraced by a particularly ravishing monkey.

Do congratulate her on her pregnancy (but no need to go on about it - you don't want the specifics discussed over dinner).

Don't sit her next to Lucien. Kate told me recently that he may be painting her and one doesn't want to spoil that delicate painter/subject relationship.

Will Young

Nicky says... Will has to be at the party because a) he's terribly handsome, and b) he'll be a wonder at keeping the conversation going with stories about that awful man - what's his name: Cole? Cowell? - if other people dry up.

Do introduce Will to Cilla Black. As far as I know they haven't met, and I just know that they'd simply adore each other.

Don't announce the arrival of Wills. People will assume you mean Prince William.

Nicole Kidman

Nicky says... In the same way one needs a boy for the girls, one needs a girl for the boys. Nicole's also terribly cool so she would probably be able to discuss 'clicks' and 'crews' with Lisa Maffia.

Do offer her something low to sit on - she's very tall and nobody likes to loom.

Don't be surprised if she asks to stay over - house-hunting is so hard when one doesn't have a base.

Tom Ford

Nicky says... Tom will add some sophistication and glamour to the evening. You won't find him doing lewd things with the sausages or playing drinking games with your Ch?teau Margaux.

Do offer him a G&T as soon as he arrives - there's nothing he likes better.

Don't offer him a Bloody Mary. He was once doused in tomato juice by an anti-fur protester. Terribly good for the skin, I understand, but he's still a tad sensitive about it.

Lucien Freud

Nicky says... You need a thinking man at a dinner party. Tempting as it is to discuss S Club all night, one should try to keep the conversation varied. Plus he'll prove invaluable if a game of Pictionary is proposed after dinner.

Do use the words 'brave', 'honest' and 'stoical' when describing his portrait of the Queen.

Don't use the word 'bearded' in the same context.

Chelsea Clinton

Nicky says... Well, obviously one has to invite Chelsea Clinton - she's the new Victoria Beckham, or is she the new Madonna? Anyhow, the point is she's the girl everyone wants at their party so you simply must invite her to yours.

Do make sure you understand that Chelsea is reading IR not IT at Oxford.

Don't offer her a cigar.

Lisa Maffia from the So Solid Crew

Nicky says... It's always good to have a rinsing bad girl at a dinner party - shows you're down with the kids.

Do tell Lisa that you know all about her 'crew' and her 'click'. I'm told that's the form when addressing a So Solid member.

Don't go on about her co-star Ashley being detained at Her Majesty's pleasure. It's old news.

Prince Harry

Nicky says... It's a good idea to have a royal at a dinner party - the Americans will love it - but which one? It's so pass? to have William, and Charles prefers a low-key event. Anyway, in my opinion, it's about time Harry started being seen out and about a bit more. I may get Chelsea Clinton to have a word...

Do comment on how nice it must be to be seeing more of Uncle Ed and Aunt Sophie.

Don't offer him drugs. The only line that interests Harry is the one for the throne.

Lourdes Ciccone

Nicky says... Lourdes will be the guest that everyone is still talking about in ten years' time, and she may remember to mention your hospitality when she gives her first interview. Should one invite Madonna, too? Absolutely not. There's a danger that she'll bring Sacha Baron Cohen with her, which would make the whole vibe of the party unforgivably last month.

Do ask her how her riding lessons are going. In fact, better still, introduce her to Camilla so they can discuss dressage.

Don't be surprised if she arrives armed with a brace of pheasants - her mother is going through a 'country' phase.

Cilla Black

Nicky says... Anyone will tell you that Cilla is the lifeblood of every party she attends, and it'll make a nice change for her to dine with someone other than Dale Winton.

Do congratulate her on being the most glamorous guest at Joan Collins' wedding. Personally, I thought Roger Moore looked jaded and Shirley Bassey positively bizarre.

Don't suggest a game of Trivial Pursuit, Cilla only enjoys dinner when there's dancing afterwards.

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Pass the vino, Chelsea

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