One only Austin Powers could love

They should have called Vanilla "Marmite": you'll either love it or loathe it. Though if our experience was anything to go by, I'd stack odds on option two.

First you have to negotiate a forbidding black door to enter and if you don't have a dinner reservation, you're not getting in. I had to repeat my full name twice before they'd buzz me into this uninviting basement venue, which rather presumes what's inside is so super-special and exclusive it's worth the ritual humiliation involved. It isn't. "We tried to call you to confirm your reservation," said the snooty East European desk babe accusingly. "My mobile ran out of battery," I pleaded. "Well, that's useful isn't it?" she snapped sarcastically.

The cocktail bar is stark. White designer chairs, white lino floors, and translucent curtains screen you from fellow drinkers. "Don't you feel like we're in a big hospital waiting room?" said one, as we sipped our pretty but synthetic ice-lolly flavoured martinis (£7.50 a pop).

The dining room, however, is dustbin black and, talking of dustbins, that's exactly where most of our dinner ended up. There's a set menu: £25 for two courses, £30 for three. Admittedly a starter of seared scallops was perfectly cooked - but hardly justified the cheeky £2 supplement. As to the flavourless puddle of broccoli soup, I've had better from a carton. "Doesn't your friend like soup? Why did she order it?" challenged our waitress, giving me the evil eye.

The main lowlight was the mains. My line-caught sea bream had an odd, chemical taste, like oven cleaner. One forkful was enough. My friend's roast rump of Welsh lamb looked meltingly

rare and delicious, but had the appetite-deadening whiff of "off" meat. Matthieu, our professional and charming maitre d', assured us it wasn't.

Refusing offers to replace our mains, we both plumped for cheese and, come bill time, we were generously, if rightly, only charged for drinks. "They should ditch the food and turn this into a nightclub," mused my friend. "This decor is like bad Austin Powers." Perfect venue for a hip album launch - or a trendy tonsillectomy. Memorable? Yes - but for all the wrong reasons. There was certainly nothing bland about this Vanilla experience.

Vanilla London
Great Titchfield Street, London, W1W 5BB