Not so jolly holiday

Garcia & Sons is a favourite Portobello haunt. This fine grocery store has the authentic look, smell and taste of Espana. So the decision to open a tapas bar next door should provide an instant fix of sunshine.

Clean lines, pastel colours and cheerful lighting give it a jolly seaside allure. But our package deal is on the Costa Calamity. Half the menu is off - no paella or patatas bravas and few porcine nibbles. We're limited to a mixed bag from the display counter: moist, fishy Galician empanada and a fluffy tortilla paisana pass muster; lentil and chorizo is wishy-washy; and a spinach and chick pea 'vegetarian' stew contains chunks of salt cod (and undercooked potato), despite staff reassurances to the contrary.

Wimpy albÛndigas lack cojones and tender squid and chunky prawns in batter are blasted to a scalding flubber in a microwave. Even the olives are poor relations to those sold next door.

As well as bottled cervezas and sherries, wine selected in store is sold at retail, plus £5 corkage. A by-the-glass range would supplement the lone red or white Rioja Cosecha, available in minis.

While I throw in the towel, mate prods a cinnamon pastry, reduced to bitter charcoal ash in that wretched microwave. Service, although friendly, is a tad Iberian hammy. Management needs to conduct an urgent Spanish inquisition.