In need of a facelift

I should have a soft spot for San Lorenzo, I really should. For one thing, it opened on 17 October 1963, which happens to be the day I was born. Then there's the fact that it's still the best place in London to spot celebrities.

It established this reputation in 1967 when a journalist witnessed Peter Sellers, Britt Ekland, Lord Snowdon and Princess Margaret having dinner together at a corner table and, incredibly, it's never lost it.

Finally, I'm quite fond of bog-standard Italian comfort food and, when it comes to spaghetti vongole and osso bucco, the kitchen at San Lorenzo is second to none.

Yet it's always left me cold. Perhaps it's because I've never been invited to join - and, make no mistake, San Lorenzo is a private club, even if it is open to the public. Elizabeth Hurley has a permanent table, for instance, just as the Princess of Wales used to.

Another sure sign that you've been admitted is that there's a photograph of you as a child on the cloakroom wall. If you look closely, you can see a picture of Tara Palmer-Tomkinson circa 1984 - possibly the only picture of her not taken by a paparazzo.

The ultimate seal of approval is if Mara Berni, the owner's wife, stops off at your table for a chat. Described by Princess Diana as her 'mother confessor', Mara is the heart and soul of San Lorenzo - which is why it's sometimes referred to by the cognoscenti as 'the Berni Inn'.

She has that quality prized above all others by the rich and famous: discretion. A breathless American tourist recently asked her which table was 'Lady Di's' and she haughtily told her she had absolutely no idea. (In case you're interested, it's the one in the far left-hand corner on the ground floor.)

But from the perspective of a rank outsider, San Lorenzo seems pretty charmless. Unlike most of its patrons, it's never had a facelift, leaving its interior looking distinctly down-at-heel. Bronze statues of reclining nudes may have been the height of exotica in 1963, but today they wouldn't look out of place in Luigi's on Peckham High Street.

The food, too, is completely unexceptional. I started with asparagus risotto and followed with veal Milanese and, frankly, I've had better Italian cuisine at Marine Ices in Chalk Farm. My main course tasted like a piece of shoe leather sandwiched between two pieces of sandpaper.

So how has San Lorenzo remained at the top of the celebrity food chain for so long? What's Mr and Mrs Berni's secret? My theory is that the international jet set simply don't know any better. People such as Joan Collins and Roger Moore don't spend enough time in London to discover what the latest hot spot is so they simply book a table at their favourite old haunt.