Gordon backs Delia in chef scrap

It's been a big week for people who know how to cook, and know how to cook on the tellybox. Delia has revealed that, beneath her wholemeal exterior lies a sauce of purest fire, calling Antony Worrall Thompson "dreadful, just repulsive" and Gary Rhodes's programmes "awful". Rhodes started it all by saying Delia underestimated the viewer's intelligence, but Worrall Thompson has stoked the row by accusing Del-girl of "using the Gordon Ramsay school of charm".

But there's something missing here, isn't there? This is the Bloody Mary without the Tabasco. That's right, there's a gaping hole where Gordon Ramsay himself should be. Since 1993, when he flew the nest of Marco Pierre White and moved to Aubergine, there hasn't been a decent culinary scrap in London which didn't involve the hard man of the artichoke coulis. No one, not kitchen juniors, or rock stars, or restaurant critics, or royals, escapes the hearty tongue-lashings of flash Gordon.

Where is he, then, in the debate of the century? Who is his money on? Gary or Delia? Gordon Ramsay had a smirk on his face. In the ludicrous plushness of his restaurant, which is still half-full mid-afternoon, he is evidently feeling a bit left out. "I find all this fascinating, these spats between the celebrity chefs." Here's some insider knowledge about Ramsay - when he says "fascinating," he means "really annoying". Don't ask me why this should be the case, it just always is.

This time, he's annoyed because of Worrall Thompson. "I am pissed off with him, because every time anyone needs a statement, or something's gone wrong in the kitchen, or someone's fallen ill, Antony's always jumping on the bandwagon to be the spokesman. And it wouldn't be so bad if he could cook, but he can't cook to save his life. I'd say I like Delia, I tolerate her, because when the restaurant's closed for two weeks for Christmas, I always buy my wife The Winter Collection so I know I'm going to be guaranteed mediocre food. As opposed to Ainsley Harriott's new book, what's it called? F***ed in Ten Minutes.

So if I had a choice between Antony, Ainsley and Delia, I'd much rather go for Delia because I know it's safe."

Now, it's not perfect, that verdict - for a start, Gordon has been talking about giving his wife, Tana, The Christmas Collection every year since they were married - by which one can only assume that she throws it out every time he goes back to work. I mean, for Christ's sake, man, get your wife something she wants.

Besides, I'm prepared to admit to a bit of bias, here. I don't think Delia is boring. I think she's lovely. But even taking that into account, you have to admire the utter frankness of this man - he has to be the only celebrity in the known world who actually says what he thinks, simply because he happens to think so. Ever since politicians got spin doctors and pop stars started listening to their therapists, chefs have been the only people who still go in for this honesty lark - and Ramsay, he does it the best. Which, obviously, gets him into all sorts of scrapes.

Most recently, he's been in trouble for his remarks about female chefs, which he summarised for me thus: "All I said was that it's not appetising for your sex life, if you're going out with some girl who's 25, pretty, and she's spent the day sticking her fingers up the arse of a pigeon to bring out its guts. I mean, if I said, 'How's your day been?' and she said, 'Chef got me doing two boxes of pigeons, I had to blow-torch the wings off, then I had to stick my fingers up their arse, pull their hearts out, chop them up and finish them as a sauce', and then those hands have got to grip my aubergine five hours later, I don't think that would do much for my sex life."

"Well, what about you, then? What do you think it's like for your wife?" "It's different for a man. It is different. It's very different. And it's also different here, from Paris - over there, 35 or 40 per cent of the trade was female, but girls don't hold the trade in this country. They don't have the same feel or the same understanding, apart from the few that do who are very sought-after. The run-of-the-mill girls are all pastry chefs that want to go and do puddings. There aren't many head chefs." "Why's that?" "God knows, I think they can get away with a four-day week making cakes."

No one could accuse Gordon Ramsay of being reconstructed, at all, in the gender sense. He has staunch views, oft-voiced, about how little he is interested in the domestic details of his family life. He has recently refused to accompany his oldest daughter, two-and-a-half-year-old Megan, to Hamley's until she's old enough not to throw any more tantrums. "I mean, I took her to get another Baby Annabel - she's already got one, but she wanted two, so they could be twins, like her brother and sister [nice line, kid] but nothing could persuade her that she couldn't have five or six. And they're 50 quid each! And then she wanted a poo. God, it was a nightmare. It was harder than making ravioli and lobster for the first time."