Food in chains

I couldn't review our intended restaurant because it was closed. So brother Will and I were stood staring at All Bar One, as people do in these situations, and we figured it was my professional duty to go in.

All Bar Ones are made of every type of blonde, orange and yellow wood, with caramel walls and a bit of blackboard, all shades similar enough to belong on the same Dulux colour chart. The music - honky jazz - was just slightly too loud for the time of day and the number of people in the place.

This is a true chain, branches are all the same, the menu is universal. Starbucks has more local personality - honest.

We ordered olives, purple and green, nicely spicy and a bit soft. The bar sells big bags of Kettle Chips, which makes sense if you're out with the girls on a wine bender. Will ordered his burger rare and the utterly delightful waitress said, "You can't have rare for food-safety purposes, the lowest we'll go is medium rare."

We discussed, at length, our feelings towards chains, and All Bar One specifically, acknowledging our deep, deep prejudice. However, it had lots of interesting beers on tap, and the wine selection was more inspired than your average high-street gastro. So we opened our minds - until we opened our mouths, that was. I'm sorry to be so predictable, but this food tasted generic and dull.

Not-quite-ripe-enough watermelon with the dullest, least punchy feta took a wonderful modern classic and rendered it frigid. The dishes generally contained one ingredient too far, mushy risotto cakes were compellingly cheesy in a guilty pleasures way, but the spinach with it was covered in a sickly polyester dressing.

They seemed to think calling something turmeric couscous entailed only dying it yellow - there was no trace of yellow flavour. Balsamic-roasted vegetables delivered vinegary poke, stimulating the taste-buds briefly. Nothing was bad, it just turned to a homogeneous blur in my mouth. Food like this is fattening, as you keep on eating, trying to find satisfaction.

A crayfish Asian salad was smothered in a spineless, sweet-chilli jam kind of dressing, and despite having many ingredients, this and a big bunch of watercress was all it tasted of.

The burger was grey, had they poached it? "Proper crap," said Will. "What little life there was in the beef was killed by company policy."

I have eaten far worse food. But the atmosphere gets to you, makes you angsty, tired and bored. "I can't bear this a second longer," said Will. "Let's go."

All Bar One
2-4 The Broadway, Crouch End, N8 9SN