Distinctly average

We're told that Park Terrace Restaurant has 'an elegant new look'. The decor, complete with Tiffanyesque glass roof, petrified butterflies, slightly scuffed breakfast bar and vast, camp statuary, clearly hasn't been touched since Jason King was considered a sex god.

Our tiny waitress is unnervingly helpful: everything from the reasonably priced new lunch menu is 'lovely and delicious'. Actually, it's decidedly average: three supermarket-quality ravioli squares on what comes on like bottled sun-dried tomatoes and pesto; muttony lamb on taste-free mash.

Bizarrely, the better choices come from the 'oriental' side of the menu: sushi rice is correctly room temperature, but the fish is ordinary and the soy is Chinese. Nasi goreng (Indonesian-style fried) rice is pretty good in a takeaway kind of way.

In fact, it's such a vast portion it looks freshly decanted from a tinfoil container - the kind of thing you'd love after a night on the lash. Super-sweet pear tatin with cardamom-scented ice cream is almost good.

The customers are time-warped: There's a chap at the next table brandishing the kind of small, bristly moustache I thought was made illegal in the 1960s. If Alan Partridge had the loot, this would be his idea of heaven.

Lunch for two with wine, water and service costs about £50. Royal Garden Hotel, 2-24 Kensington High Street W8. Tel: 020 7361 0602. Tube: High Street Kensington

Park Terrace Restaurant & Bar
Kensington High Street, London, W8 4PT