Dining dens where the plot thickens

10 April 2012

During his brief tenure as a junior defence minister, Tom Watson told me he was a diligent student of my book How to be a Minister. Not diligent enough, Tom: my book provides advice on how to suck up to PMs, not try to oust them.

But Tom, an amiable guy, got much wrong. Plotting in a balti house in Wolverhampton! So Eighties! So not New Labour! More inexplicable was the participation of Siôn Simon, whom I have encountered in St John's Wood - much more a suave person's habitat. The High Street there contains upmarket coffee houses ideal for complex lattes and plotting.

So where do politicians meet to do down other politicians? The Palace of Westminster houses several venues. Rowdy bars such as Strangers' or Annie's attract too many of the hoi polloi or, even worse, journalists. The Smoking Room was once ideal.

In the goriest days of Labour infighting, Aneurin Bevan used to be ensconced there on a sofa, fending off sexual advances from Tom Driberg and surrounded by his fidus Achates, Michael Foot, and the beetle-browed Ian Mikardo, who was once described by Winston Churchill as: "Not as nice as he looks".

These days the Smoking Room is the forlorn hideaway for a huddle of defiant addicts such as Tony McNulty, Terry Rooney and Brian Jenkins, with the PM's Parliamentary Private Secretary, Keith Hill, keeping a wary eye.

A more useful location is the "MPs only" section of the Terrace Cafeteria, where I recently had confidential (not conspiratorial) conversations with friends such as Charles Clarke, Geoff Hoon and John Prescott. The Members' Tea Room, also MPs only, is where all political parties can conspire in comfort. The front end is, by tradition, Labour territory, with the middle for Tories. There is one table for that most conspiratorial of parties, the Liberal Democrats.

The Members' Dining Room can be convenient, as Harold Wilson, Jim Callaghan and John Smith found - but I have never seen Tony Blair or Gordon Brown there. Recently, I have seen several MPs and peers (ex-MP barons are allowed) plotting how to prevent an elected House of Lords.

Outside Westminster, the Tories have the Carlton Club in St James's. Michael Portillo holds his TV Dinners with Portillo there, which involve such anomalies as ex-Trotskyite MP David Nellist dining under portraits of former Tory grandees he once denounced as enemies of the proletariat.

In recent years Labour has embraced stylish restaurants with as much gusto as the Tories. Blair and Brown in 1994 made their famous, if disputed, leadership deal in Islington's Granita, a restaurant now as defunct as the deal itself.

Another, also now closed, was Luigi's in Covent Garden, where Neil Kinnock achieved the rare feat of conspiring against himself in the company of journalists. And it was in fashionable Zucca, naturally in Notting Hill, that David Cameron last year concocted his leadership takeover. Zucca, too, has closed down, perhaps proving that cuisine is less longlived than conspiracy.

Nearer Westminster, the Cinnamon Club in Great Smith Street is extremely fashionable. Other popular plotting haunts include Atrium on Millbank and Shepherd's (formerly Locketts) in Marsham Street, where political patrons, if unable to devour their enemies, can consume the superb onion and Stilton tart with, perhaps, sour grapes for dessert.

THE DIRTY DOZEN - WHERE WESTMINSTER'S WHEELERS AND DEALERS DINE OUT

1. MAZE
10-13 Grosvenor Square, W1. Tel: 020 7107 0000.
Slick Gordon Ramsay restaurant serving Asian-influenced French cuisine.
WHO GOES THERE?
Tony Blair (likes the mini-portions), Rebekah Wade, Anji Hunter and Adam Boulton.
WHAT DO THEY EAT/DRINK?
Pressed foie gras and smoked eel with pickled ginger and rhubarb with gingerscented brioche.
MOST LIKELY TO OVERHEAR
"I'm in agreement with Rupert about that."

2. FINO RESTAURANT & BAR
33 Charlotte Street, W1. Tel: 020 7813 8010.
Modern, stylish and comfortable Spanish tapas in a light and airy basement.
WHO GOES THERE?
David Blunkett, Michael Howard and a young media crowd from nearby Freuds.
WHAT DO THEY EAT/DRINK?
Pimientos de padron (green peppers), fried squid, lamb cutlets with a glass of sherry.
MOST LIKELY TO OVERHEAR
Glossy magazine editors being persuaded that their readership would love to hear about the Tory party conference.

3. THE GAY HUSSAR
2 Greek Street, W1. Tel: 020 7437 0973.
Old-fashioned Hungarian restaurant serving cheap food. Walls decorated with photos of politicians and cartoons by Martin Rowson.
WHO GOES THERE?
Old Labour. Tom "two dinners" Watson, David Blunkett.
WHAT DO THEY EAT/DRINK?
Dumplings, goose, chilled cherry soup and Hungarian sausages.
WHAT'S BEEN HATCHED THERE?
Blair being persuaded in 1982 to stand for Parliament, Mick Jagger asked to stand for Labour.
MOST LIKELY TO OVERHEAR
"We missed a great chance with Michael Foot."

4. J SHEEKEY
28-32 St Martin's Court, WC2. Tel: 020 7240 2565.
Sister restaurant to The Ivy. The long bar is great for plotting.
WHO GOES THERE?
Ministers seeking publishing deals for their memoirs, Kevin Spacey boasting that he has finally united Tony and Gordon over a £12 million funding deal to save the Old Vic.
WHAT DO THEY EAT/DRINK?
Fish pie, with a glass of Muscadet.
MOST LIKELY TO OVERHEAR
"I can take the lid off the Blair/Brown rows for you. You should see the memos I've got."

5. WILTONS
55 Jermyn Street, W1. Tel: 020 7629 9955.
Established in 1742, now owned by Rupert Hambro. Menu features wild fish, shellfish, game and farm meat.
WHO GOES THERE?
Nicholas Soames and other old Tories discussing trust funds and Thatcher.
WHAT DO THEY EAT/DRINK?
The first grouse of the season, steak tartare, oysters. With 48 hours' notice, diners can enjoy the Wiltons Gallette – layers of Black Perigord truffles and sweet foie gras in delicate puff pastry.
MOST LIKELY TO OVERHEAR
"You just can't get a decent vintage out of these new Cameron chaps."

6. QUIRINALE
1 Great Peter Street, SW1. Tel: 020 7222 7080.
Swish Italian named after Rome's presidential palace. Airy interior with limestone walls and white leather seating.
WHO GOES THERE?
Baroness Jay, Stephen Byers, David Davis, Menzies Campbell, BBC heavyweights Mark Mardell and John Pienaar, Blairites defending the PM over seabass and salad.
WHAT DO THEY EAT/DRINK?
Salads, pasta or simple fish courses and elaborate desserts. Davis orders well-done steak and a glass of red wine.
WHAT'S BEEN HATCHED THERE?
In April, Davis received a call telling him the Home Office had "lost'' more than 1,000 foreign prisoners. (He exclaimed: "That's incredible! We must condemn this in the strongest possible terms. Charles Clarke must not be allowed to smuggle this out without making a Commons statement.")
MOST LIKELY TO OVERHEAR
Terrible things about Gordon.

7. GANDHI'S
347 Kennington Road, SE11. Tel: 020 7735 9015.
Old-fashioned Indian that used to have pictures of politicians in the window. The photo of Geoff Hoon was removed following his part in the David Kelly affair.
WHO GOES THERE?
John Major liked a pint and a curry after cricket at the Oval. Gordon Brown likes takeouts while Jack Straw apparently ate here up to three times a week.
WHAT DO THEY EAT/DRINK?
Major's favourite is chicken Madras while Brown likes lamb bhuna, boiled rice, two poppadums and a pint of lager.
WHAT'S BEEN HATCHED THERE?
Brown ate here on the eve of his speech to the conference of the European Bank for Reconstruction and Development in 2001.
MOST LIKELY TO OVERHEAR
Major still whinging about "those bastards who did for me".

8. REX WHISTLER AT TATE BRITAIN
Millbank, SW1. Tel: 020 7887 8000.
Discreet £40-a-head restaurant with modern British menu and award-winning wine list.
WHO GOES THERE?
Ministers meeting journalists for lunch. A favourite of Peter Mandelson.
WHAT DO THEY EAT/DRINK?
Jersey royal and spinach soup, veal, Neal's

9. SHEPHERD'S
Marsham Court, Marsham Street, SW1. Tel: 020 7834 9552.
Simple English dishes, long pudding and wine list. Secluded nooks and crannies offer privacy to old-school Tories. A bell tells politicians when to return to the house.
WHO GOES THERE?
The red-faced Tory infantry dealing with the latest Cameron initiative. Boris Johnson.
WHAT DO THEY EAT/DRINK?
Lobster salad, venison and Eton mess.
MOST LIKELY TO OVERHEAR
"Is all this green stuff necessary?"

10. ROUSSILLON
16 St Barnabas Street, SW1. Tel: 020 7730 5550.
Discreet Michelin-starred French restaurant near the Commons. An excellent list of French wines. WHO GOES THERE?
John Reid and Stephen Byers.
WHAT DO THEY EAT/DRINK?
Truffle risotto, with a glass of red wine.
MOST LIKELY TO OVERHEAR
"And what really happened was that Tom phoned Gordon and said ..."

11. THE CINNAMON CLUB
The Old Westminster Library, Great Smith Street, SW1. Tel: 020 7222 2555.
Award-winning Indian in the grand Old Westminster Library with parquet flooring and walls lined with bookshelves.
WHO GOES THERE?
David Miliband, Fire Brigades Union leader Andy Gilchrist. Reportedly where Labour Lefties have plotted Blair's demise, but also popular with Blairites such as Hilary Armstrong and David Triesman.
WHAT DO THEY EAT/DRINK?
Curry, cocktails and quality wines. Gilchrist reportedly spent £817 on a dinner for four, including four bottles of Ch‚teau Chasse-Spleen 1995 at £85 a bottle.
WHAT'S BEEN HATCHED THERE?
Mark MacGregor and Rick Nye, Portillistas dismissed by Iain Duncan Smith in 2003, held their leaving do here.
MOST LIKELY TO OVERHEAR
"Does it really cost that much for a curry?"

12. THE WOLSELEY
160 Piccadilly, W1. Tel: 020 7499 6996.
Located in a Grade II-listed building, formerly a car showroom designed with grand pillars, arches and stairways.
WHO GOES THERE?
David Blunkett dined with Amanda Burton here. Peter Mandelson, Michael Howard.
WHAT DO THEY EAT/DRINK?
Beluga caviar with blinis and sour cream, the côte de boeuf forestière between two or the plat du jour spit-roast suckling pig with a bottle of Krug.
MOST LIKELY TO OVER HEAR
Mandelson saying: "but I always have that table."

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