Are you sitting comfortably?

It was always going to be an odd venue. The refurbishment was dogged by delays, suppliers were asked to sign confidentiality agreements and, depending on who you talk to, rumour has it that the project cost in excess of £20 million. One can only wonder how the investors plan to get a return.

Many writers in the weekend magazines have gushed about their prandial experiences at Sketch - presumably for no other reason than to ease the processing of their expense claims, which can run into several hundred pounds for a bite of lunch or plate of supper. Isn't there something obscene and ostentatious about this?

By comparison, the £300 annual membership fee (plus £100 joining fee), which guarantees you entrance to the venue's two bars seems to be a steal. But putting yourself through the ignominy of applying to a committee of nobodies should be a deterrent to anyone with half an ounce of self-respect.

The alternative is to book a table in one of the restaurants - yeah, right - or to blag your way on to a guest list as I did by getting a friend to phone and pretend to be someone important. Even then, you'll be quizzed in McCarthy-esque style until they're satisfied with the cut of your jib.

Of the two bars, the East bar is just plain silly - all white, all plastic, with the room moulded into the shape of an igloo. I haven't spent much time in igloos but, if I did, I'd hope they were more comfortable than this. You sit on giant, inflatable white plastic straws, which is fine - until someone uncrosses their legs and causes a ripple effect that will spill your drink. Above this bar is what many people will describe as the main attraction - the loos. A mass of giant white pods, each containing its own WC, they look like a film location for the Synthetic Day Of The Triffids - quirky, but very surreal.

We quickly adjourned to the West bar, which is a conventional room, and sat in what appeared to be an unplanned symphony of several schools of design. But the biggest letdown was that it was just no fun, and going out is meant to be about having a lovely time, being in good company and enjoying a few drinks.

If the militia on the door had a guest list for those waiting to leave, I'd guess it would stretch over many pages. But I'm pleased I've been, if only to scratch it off my list of pointless things to do in life.

Sketch Glade
9 Conduit Street, W1S 2XG