A real pepper tiger

The news that the world's hottest chilli, Naga Jolokia, has been discovered in Assam will strike terror into the heart and bowels of anyone who has ever had to finish a chicken phal in front of their mates. The world's most insidious vegetable is - sometimes literally - a minefield for the unwary. So, to save your blushes, and unseemly rushes, below are some of the perils - and the antidotes:

Hot source. Capsaicin is the chemical behind the heat in chillis, and what makes it an irritant on the hands and face. It is concentrated in the membrane inside fresh chillis. But in dried chillis it is spread throughout - they say remove the seeds in fresh chillis and they will cool down. But with dried you are, as it were, stuffed.

First, wash your hands. The chemical lingers on your hands, which can make listening to someone going to the lavatory after cutting chillis always good for a laugh. American chilli guru Jean Andrews advises washing your hands in dilute bleach before, say, becoming intimate with a loved one.

Killer chiller. The scientists who discovered the heat in Naga Jolokia were apparently developing it as a tear gas. Not news to the Aztecs, who used to ring their villages with strings of chillis, ready to burn in the event of attack. The effect was like a full-frontal tear gas assault.

Ring burn. Such properties are also familiar to sadistic chefs who have been known to sprinkle chilli powder onto the cooker as an apprentice chef is leaning over it, making the vapour shoot straight into his eyes.

Ain't life gland... The chilli's ability to stimulate the body's juices has some happy applications. Mexican women, for instance, sometimes use the powder to help them give birth: "snuffing" the mother involves tying her tummy, making her sneeze with chilli powder, then pulling the rope tight to help the baby out. As if that wasn't enough, they also rub chilli on their nipples to help them wean. What little Miguel thinks about all this is not recorded.

Chillis also stimulate the nerves to produce Substance P, which is a pain blocker and is currently being developed for the treatment of arthritis.

Water, water. Capsaicins are not soluble, so water will just swish them about inside you. If you need to cool down, far better to have dairy products, or eat something starchy such as bananas or bread to soak it up. Avocado is good: hog the guacamole.

Home cock-up. If you have over-egged your Tex-Mex cuisine, and your concoction threatens to annihilate your dinner guests, use sugar to take the edge off, or use cream or coconut cream and call it Thai Surprise. Or bin it and order in.

Big heat. The basic rule is the bigger the chilli, the milder it will be ... but naturally this doesn't always hold true. The poblano is big but can have a kick on it like a mule. Unfortunately, it also looks very like an ordinary green pepper (if a bit darker) and is unpredictable: get a hot one, so they say, and it's a sign you are in love.