Who wants to be a WAG?

Football has returned but come Saturday night, which bars should you head to if you want to see more of your favourite players?

PAPER
68 Regent Street, W1 (020 7439 7770)

Likely to see: Stars from every team at this home of the annual PFA after-party - Steven Gerrard, Lamps and England captain John Terry are fans.
What's it like?
Bling enough for P. Diddy - he's had three parties here in a year. But if you feel intimidated, just remember - all those glamlooking girls will probably be taking the N89 back to Bexleyheath.
Who else? Sienna Miller, Keira Knightley and Jamelia are all regulars.
Kit: Girls wear very small dresses with very high heels. No trainers for men - unless they're cool.
Turnstile fee: £20
Entry policy: Call the club during office hours to get on the guest list - or you'll have to get there very early.
Refreshments: Wine £4.50, champagne £9, vodka Red Bull £9, beer £5.

BOUJIS
43 Thurloe Street, South Kensington (020 7584 2000)

Likely to see: Lamps, who lives nearby, and Freddie are regulars at this upmarket hangout.
What's it like? Leave your oversized Tom Ford sunglasses at home - it's virtually pitch black in here, making it hard to tell your van Persies from your van Cutsems : there's a lot of double barrelled toff types. It's worth hanging around the bins by the side entrance, a popular celeb escape route.
Who else? Wills and Harry, Formula 1 driver Jenson Button and the England cricket team are fans.
Kit: Classy - designer dresses and Jimmy Choos for ladies, and a strict no trainers or caps rule for boys. Unless you're mega-famous - entry is very much at the doormen's discretion.
Turnstile fee: £20, but getting on the guest list is imperative.
Entry policy: To get on the guest list, call up and name-drop like mad.
Refreshments: Wine is £8 a glass and spirits and mixers start at £12.

CHINAWHITE
6 Air Street, W1 (020 7494 2989)

Likely to see: Chelsea's Ashley Cole and John Terry are regulars.
What's it like? Chinawhite has been attracting footie stars since Wayne Rooney was in nappies. Ignoring the VIP area at the back, the real celebs take the private tables around the dancefloor to leer at WAG wannabes contorting themselves in a booty shake-offs. Plus there's a secret back exit - so no pap shots to upset the manager next morning.
Who else? Prince, Coleen McLoughlin, Girls Aloud and Calum Best.
Kit: As little as possible for the girls, and don't forget the fake tan, nails and hair extensions. For men, it's strictly smart - you may get away with cool trainers, but no corporate-style ties.
Turnstile fee: £15 or £20
Entry policy: Members or member referrals. Call the club's membership line to try to get on the guestlist.
Refreshments: Champagne cocktails are £8.50, wine and beer each £7 a glass.

FUNKY BUDDHA
15 Berkeley Street, W1 (020 7494 2596)

Likely to see: West Ham's Anton Ferdinand, the Reading team, Teddy Sheringham - and one-time Jordan clinch Dwight Yorke when he's in town.
What's it like? Dark, dingy, and rammed with folk who are all dolled up after a hard day selling neon leggings at Dagenham Market. It's here that two would-be WAGs tried to rip out each other's hair extensions in a scrap over Peter Crouch and Celestine Babayaro outside the club. Show the bouncers enough cleavage and get a wrist stamp to join the VIP area's stars.
Who else? Danielle Lloyd, Simon Webbe and Katie Price. Cheryl Tweedy nabbed Ashley Cole here nearly three years ago.
Kit: Think Essex chav. For boys it's lairy Tshirts and ripped jeans. No trainers, however.
Turnstile fee: £15
Entry policy: Guestlist is advised but not obligatory, call the club during office hours to get on.
Refreshments: Wine by the glass from £4.50. A glass of champagne will set you back £11 and spirits and mixers are £10.

EMBASSY
20 Old Burlington Street, W1 (020 7851 0956)

Likely to see: Liverpool's Jermaine Pennant when he's in London, Tottenham's Jermain Defoe, Jermaine Jenas and Ledley King, Chelsea defender Glen Johnson - pretty much everyone.
What's it like? Think Ritzy's in Basildon. Shiny floor, mirrors, lots of red velvet. And you won't believe what goes on in the loos... If someone can't score here, then frankly it's time to retire.
Who else? Michelle Heaton, David Walliams and even Wills and Kate.
Kit: As it's THE place to bag a footballer, short denim skirts, sequined crop tops, hair extensions. No trainers, boys.
Turnstile fee: £20
Entry policy: Guestlist and members only. Call to get on the list but make sure it's well in advance.
Refreshments: Glass of wine about £4, but a spirit and mixer can cost anything up to £12. Budweiser, £4.50, a glass of champagne, £8.

THE RED BAR
Grosvenor House Hotel, Park Lane, W1 (020 7499 6363)

Who you're likely to see: Crystal Palace players and boss Simon Jordan. This is Peter Crouch's hotel of choice when he's in London.
What's it like? Here a white-gloved doorman guides you into the scarlet-themed bar, and people get quietly drunk, then sway up to their rooms at 3am. But this is also where a group of Premiership players gave new meaning to a phrase previously used when cooking Sunday lunch.
Who else? Star-studded events are held here so celeb faces are plentiful, including Chris Evans, Ant and Dec, Jessie Wallace and Ralf Little.
Kit: In theory it's up to you, but most guests are fairly smart.
Turnstile fee: Free
Entry policy: None.
Refreshments: House wine is £5 a glass, beer is £6 a bottle and vodka and mixer £8.

FACES
458 Cranbrook Road, Gants Hill (020 8550 4566)

Who you're likely to see: Most of the West Ham and Tottenham teams, but unfortunately you'll see only a flash of designer clobber as they whizz past, fast-tracked straight to the VIP area of this Ilford nightspot. A lucky few plebs are chosen to join them in their den, so work that slashed-to-the-navel jumpsuit.
Who else? Jodie Marsh. No, sorry, my mistake, it's only 200 girls who look just like her. Plus the usual Z-listers, for example Calum Best, Fran Cosgrave, James Alexandrou (he's better known as Martin Fowler in EastEnders).
Kit: OTT. Here, you dress as a WAG before you actually become one. The best way to achieve this is to think of Tanya Turner from ITV's Footballers' Wives - but then do a Primark version. For boys, there's a no trainers rule.
Turnstile fee: £10
Entry policy: Open to all.
Refreshments: A little cheaper than the West End haunts. Bottled beer £3.80, vodka and Red Bull £4.50, glass of champagne £8.