Santa's grotto comes to Punk

To celebrate the final weeks of 2008, Queens Of Noize have turned Punk into a veritable disco grotto and last night, at the third of four Xmash & Grabs, a group of friends and I were there.
Being an avid reader of this paper's London Eye, I am well aware that Punk is the selected haunt for a throng of celebrities and that arriving any time after 10pm means twiddling your thumbs in a ridiculously long queue. So, keen to beat Kate Moss, Peaches Geldof and Alexa Chung's posses to the door, we careered in before the clock struck nine.

On Punk's snuggable, velvety sofas, we ordered bottles of vodka and an assortment of cocktails (£4 each) and gin and tonics (£4.50) from some naughty Christmas elves and, without wasting a merry moment, hit the dancefloor to do some of what the girls recommend be done down at Smash & Grab: dancing, kissing and getting smashed.

Punk's cosy 280-capacity space had been transformed into a magical Santa's grotto with "Xmash" trees, packaged prizes, twinkling Christmas lights, tinsel and a stage at one end where the big-bearded fellow himself sat on a throne, ready to welcome both the naughty and nice on his lap.

His little helpers were on hand dishing out mistle-tokens so we didn't miss our turn whispering wicked wishes into Father Christmas's ear and claiming our festive gifts. Alas, this hack and her merry revellers found themselves otherwise engaged and missed their appointments with Santa thanks to the pesky dressing-up box.

The Beyond Retro box, a Smash & Grab highlight, offers no end of fancy finery for a paltry £5 an item. We threw on kimonos, gold boots, bright blue kaftans and woolly hats.

Eggnog-addled and forgetting it was winter, I stripped off the thermals and whipped on a twee, flowery summer dress while my friend Becky, ever more sensible, picked up a cashmere cardigan/blanket.

Down in the festive pit, lashings of pretty, pouting young things — who all, regardless of gender, resembled Agyness Deyn — were twirling, spinning and jiving to Christmas pop treats. Punk being a trendsetting haunt where one can get away with wearing whatever one wishes, it was difficult to tell who was in festive fancy dress and who wasn't. One teeny-weeny blonde in a pink tutu, red braces and gold wig informed me she was not dressed as a Christmas fairy but that those were the clothes that she had, in fact, worn to art college that day.

As the snow fell indoors (never have I seen so much cotton wool outside of Boots) we emulated the North Pole Dancers getting their grotto groove on to Wham!, The Pogues and Mariah before having our tresses glittered up in the Tinsel Town salon and sneaking into the Lucky Voice Christmas cracker karaoke booth to wail about mummy and Santa smooching under the tree.

Breathlessly festive, we skipped into the 3am twilight where our sleighs were waiting to ferry us home. They may have, in fact, been rickshaws but with the sparkles of Xmash & Grab still glistening in our eyes I could have sworn that it was Blitzen and Rudolph carrying us along Oxford Street.

Next week's Xmash & Grab party is the big finale, Santa's Blotto, where the poor, overworked boss will be having a blowout before he packs up his presents and sets sail on the 25th. To go or not to go isn't even the question. If the word Slade means anything to you, you'll be there.
18 Dec, Xmash & Grab, Punk, 14 Soho St, W1 (smashandgrabclub.com), 8pm-3am, £8, £5 before 11pm, free before 9pm