Alternative Valentine's nights out

That big, red, rose-scented day that is St Valentine's is here. Couples are expected to skip across restaurant foyers in giddy glee, showering better halves with chocolate kisses over romantic dinners before falling, clogged with Dom Perignon, on to a bed of oysters. Meanwhile, it's presumed that singletons will wash down a screening of The Notebook with a family-sized

For those who are not content to conform to these squelchy/single romantic stereotypes, here's our pick of London's top alternative offerings this Valentine's weekend. Take your lover, your brother, or even your mother...

Traffic Light Ball
Down at the best Brazilian bar/club this side of the Copacabana, the rules are simple — wear red if you're taken, green if you're on the prowl and yellow if you can't decide. Our advice: keep something of each colour handy just in case Jake Gyllenhaal strolls in and you change your mind. Saravah Soul plays soulful funk and The Human Factor DJ to keep you feeling brisk.
Saturday, Guanabara, Parker Street, (corner Drury Lane), WC2 (020 7242 8600, guanabara.co.uk) 6pm, free, £10 after 8pm

Silent Cinema
Cuddle up with Casablanca and private headsets so the noisy popcorn-munchers and drink-slurpers can't spoil your movie. Ingrid Bergman and Humphrey Bogart are irresistible as the wartime lovers with more than the odd spot of gunfire keeping them apart. There are special Valentine deals on meals in the restaurant (and hotel rooms, if you can't wait until you get home, you filthy so-and-sos).
Saturday, Andaz Hotel London, 40 Liverpool Street, EC2 (020 7618 7000, silent-cinema.co.uk), 6pm, £10

Valentine's Ball Fundraiser
To raise moolah for the making of their film The Bouncer, Novice Of Genius DJs are hosting a Valentine's hootenanny choc-a-bloc with karaoke, bowling, burlesque, retro notes, love hearts and live music thanks to the bluesy Congo Faith Healers and LA's electro-funk kid Kennedy. You know she loves it when you do your Suspicious Minds dance for her.
Saturday, Bloomsbury Bowling Lanes, basement of Tavistock Hotel, Bedford Way, WC1 (020 7691 2610, bloomsburybowling.com), 8pm, £7, £5 before midnight

Stranger Than Paradise Valentine Show
It's gipsy madness ahoy in Brixton with a colourful soirée featuring Scarlette O'Harlette's burlesque, orchestral musings courtesy of Marmaduke Dando, sinister tales of love narrated by Missy Macabre and The Baron, a spanking corner and dancing until dawn. See you in the rooftop hot tub.
Saturday, Dex, 467-469 Brixton Road, SW9 (020 7326 4455, myspace.com/gypsymadness), 8pm, £10

Murmur presents...No Fit State
For those who don't give a monkey's bottom about V-Day, just celebrate the fact that it's Saturday by hurling yourself towards Dalston, pushing roses from your mind and embracing techy-house from DJ Geddes who is celebrating the first birthday of his Murmur label. DJs Nima Gorjy and Nick Curly assist in keeping tunes coming at the cosy east London venue.
Saturday, 71 Shacklewell Lane, E8(murmurrecords.com), 10pm, £10

Valentine's Burlesque Soirée with Miss Polly Rae and the Hurly Burly Girlys
Get a little inspiration for your own private shows in the bedroom this weekend from Miss Polly Rae and her Hurly Burly Girlys. While other feather-fanning, nipple tassel-twirling burlesquers might parade around in silence, Miss Polly Rae has vocal talents, too, belting out sizzling classics including Fever and Life Is Just a Bowl of Cherries. Naughty and very nice.
Friday, 8pm-1am, £10 on the door, including a free cocktail. The Gore Hotel, 190 Queen's Gate, SW7

Chaz Royal's 2nd Annual Valentine Varie – TEASE!
Chaz Royal, one of the biggest burlesque producers in the UK and North America, and luxurious lingerie brand Secrets In Lace come together to present a sublimely naughty show of erotic discourse, cheeky cabaret and flamboyant
burlesque delirium guaranteed to spice up even the loneliest of Valentine nights. Both nights feature brand-new acts in the fabulously intimate venue of Bush Hall.
Friday and Saturday, Bush Hall, 310 Uxbridge Road, W12 (020 8222 6933, bushhallmusic.co.uk), 7pm, £18.50

My Ex-Boyfriend's Records Anti-Valentine
Stolen records and broken hearts combine for one hell of an anti-Valentine knees-up celebrating the lovelorn state and the power of theft, um, err, I mean song... no, I mean theft — the two female DJs play records they pinched from their exes. Joana And The Wolf, Toy Toy and Taking Tiger Mountain play indie alt-rock live.
Saturday, Old Blue Last, 38-39 Great Eastern Street, EC2 (020 7739 5793, oldbluelast.com), 8pm, £6, £5 advance
Hendrick's

Valentine Ball
The fabulously mysterious and obscure Last Tuesday Society presents its Black Friday Valentine's Ball: Loss — An Evening Of Exquisite Misery. An 8pm seminar on How To Deal With A Broken Heart is followed by an opulent night of Russia's saddest tunes, gothic performance art, a costume competition and lashings of Hendrick's gin. Dress code: decaying beauty.
Friday, The Tabernacle, Powis Square, W11 (020 7565 7800, thelasttuesdaysociety.org), 8pm, £25