All hands on decks... but who is in the DJ box?

It is the Holy Grail for clubbers. The Willy Wonka golden ticket. It's like cracking the cold fusion conundrum, but with fewer equations and more alcohol. I'm talking, of course, about gaining access to the club DJ booth.

Forget about blagging the guest list - anyone with a bit of streetsmart and a brass neck can do that. But making it into the hallowed sanctum where your record changer does his thing is nigh on impossible.

Regular Turnmills punters will know the club's DJ booth has been updated recently, letting the DJ get closer to the crowd. Fabric's jock box is also worth a mention as its ground-level spot gives lively young ravers the chance to shout requests at the DJ. They love that.

If, though, like most people, you don't have the connections to make it into that packed little space, it's worth breaking down exactly who all these liggers are bumping elbows with the chap trying to do his job.

First up, in any club there's a promoter who, should the floor empty even slightly, will start demanding that the DJ play "something people know".

Then there's the promoter's dodgy mate, whose financial investment in the club means he also has a say in the music policy.

The DJ's girlfriend is also there, giving harsh stares to any girl who tries to get in the booth. She is blonde, bored and will ensure he finishes bang on time.

There's a sound man there, too - a chap with tinnitus and a disdain for DJs - whose job is to keep over-enthusiastic spinners from blowing the speakers.

Oh, and that bloke in the corner taking notes? He's the journo from a dance music magazine who no one really wants there but everyone tolerates on the understanding that he might pull out a cover feature on the DJ one day.

The rest of this posse is made up of agents, PR bods and record label types, all with a vested interest in seeing their DJ rock the place. That's why they won't make a move until the jock drops a current big tune, at which point they'll wave their hands in the air and encourage the crowd to salute their meal ticket. Five minutes later they'll be wondering when they can reasonably slope off to a bar.