A club night that'll float your boat

There's a couple of things that bother me about boating. The first is a very real fear that in the sea lurk giant squid that are 55 feet long, with 35 foot long tentacles. My point is that while you should enjoy your boating experience, you should be aware that a creature the size of Shoreditch could be oozing and sliming just below the surface, watching you with dinner-plate sized eyes. My other bugbear is that, as a spectator sport at least, boating is dull. I was in the minority on this one at Cowes Week, to be fair.

As I stood there wondering just how many gaudy Rolexes there were per square metre, my mate was giving me an excitable running commentary.

"Oh my God, they're jibing, they're heeling, they're tacking! Look, look they're jibing again!" All of which seemed to mean that they weren't doing very much. Boating, I concluded, wasn't for me.

And then I went to a club on a boat on the Thames. Now, this I liked. A small room with a low ceiling, lots of people who can't leave and so have no option but to go for it on the dancefloor, plus the bonus of an outside space where you can admire the view and get some fresh air. Boats are proper party venues and summer is the season for cheeky boat bashes.

This weekend, for example, sees two sizzling events chugging up and down the Thames, both of which are well worth your attention.

On Saturday, check out the Soulbrew 5th Birthday Boat Party (£15, ticketweb.co.uk) which takes place on the Sundance boat, departing from Temple Pier at 9pm sharp. Hip hop, funk, soul, deep house, disco and party classics will be spun by DJs such as Andy Bird, Mark B, Dave Jarvis (Faith) and Mr Fidget. Anyone who's been to a Soulbrew do before will know that this will be one banging party.

Sunday sees those Groove Armada boys set sail on the good ship Dixie Queen for their Lovebox Boat Party (£25, ticketswitch.co.uk). A warm-up for their Victoria Park festival later this summer, this promises to be the sort of do that is sure to go down in clubbing history.

Tom and Andy are joined by the Horse Meat Disco posse and Jools Butterfield, all providing a musical soundscape that takes in disco, tough house and the latest electro bangers. Find out more at loveboxweekender.co.uk.

But if you're still not convinced then let me state for the record there are no giant squid in the Thames. No one at these parties will be wearing deck shoes, I guarantee it.

[email protected]