Forest Mere

(08703 300 300; www.healthfarms.co.uk)

WHERE: Off the A3, near Liphook, Hampshire. A red-brick, former hunting lodge overlooking a lake surrounded by woodland, with no neighbours or traffic noise. In the Nineties, it was bought by the spa family behind Henlow Grange in Bedfordshire. £14 million has been spent on refurbishment, making the £5 to hire fluffy bathrobes hard to forgive.

WHO GOES: Home Counties housewives with daughters and pedicured husbands (women outnumber men five to one). EastEnders actress June Brown (Dot Cotton), Westlife, Joan Collins and beau.

SPA CREDO: Calls itself a "health farm" when it's really more a feel-good spa for conventional pampering (calories aren't quoted on the menus; health consultations are only included on week-long packages; there's no nutritionist or dietician in residence). The holistic element is not integral (no packages) but it is comprehensive (more than 20 alternative therapies).

SPA FACILITIES: Excellent. 35 treatment rooms; two aerobics studios (15 to 20 classes daily); gym; 25-metre indoor swimming pool; tennis court; sauna; steam room; the UK's first thalassotherapy salt-water hydro pool (recommended); 120 acres of woodland in which to walk, run or bike. Adjoins a golf course.

TREATMENTS: Usual gamut - wraps, scrubs, massages etc - using Decleor, Clarins, Elemis and Babour. Avoid La Zouche, Forest Mere's own brand, an option for facials - it's uncomfortable, heavy and unpleasant. Ask for "premier" therapists Michelle, Hayley or Sarah-Jane, and check on the length of package treatments (a half-hour facial is useless).

ACCOMMODATION: Rooms are comfortable and clean, decor is inoffensive (faux mahogany, sponge-effect walls, botanical prints). Economy rooms are worth the £50 saving if you are alone and don't mind a view of the rooftop. Otherwise, book a superior double with French windows on to private patio.

FOOD: Adequate. Buffet salads at lunch (tuna mayo, carrot with sultanas). Also caters to non-dieters (dinner menu features foie gras as well as over-grilled turkey). All meals are included in the package prices. Wine is available, though there's no real bar. Singles ubiquitous, and encouraged to mix at mealtimes. Ergo, avoid coming alone.

SERVICE: Allegedly 300 staff, but rarely anyone at the end of the phone. Expect to carry your own bags, there's no room service (bar breakfast), and the waiters are shoddy. Thankfully, this is put to rights by superb spa and fitness people.

RECOMMENDED PACKAGE: The Long Weekend, from Friday or Saturday, including two nights' accommodation, all meals, a full body massage, facial and thalassotherapy hydro pool session. From £249.95pp, two sharing.

TIP: Fork out £19.95 for a health appraisal; it's the only long-term benefit quick-fix visitors will take with them.