Nothing between the posts

Anyone seduced into buying tickets for Chris England's small, farcical comedy thanks to the title's titillating or sporting promise will be let down. For Jonny Wilkinson makes no appearance, especially for breakfast. The play's only connection with the sporting hero comes in the form of Kevin Wathen, who looks a bit like Wilkinson.

Wathen convincingly plays Jake, reformed burglar turned rugby player, who feels affinities with Jonny and models his style on him. Just, therefore, as in the successful case of Chris England's An Evening with Gary Lineker, which lacked Lineker, a crucial sporting contest is taking place.

Theatre critics with my limited fantasy range imagine when people talk of scoring on stage then either sex or drugs are up for grabs. In this sporting world neither looms big. There is a spot of unbelievable boy-girl sex in the showers - but of drugs there is not a sniff.

The plot, enacted on Antony Lamble's elegantly fluid set, comes in spurts, dribbles and feints, while rugby club members and an Observer journalist watch the rugby world cup. All depends upon a dozen linked storylines, sufficient to launch a sporty soap opera. Attempted skulduggery, forgery, bribery and blackmail are extravagantly indulged, as members watch and yell over the match.

England stuffs his play with cliché characters and traps them in cliché situations. Matt, a loutish Australian thicko, played to the manner new-born by Michael Beckley is challenging Norman Pace's decent, middle-aged Dave for the club chairmanship and brings along Abi Tucker's lithe Lena to lay a sexual trap - or rather a man - to help in his scheming.

The devious Observer chap, who spouts blush-making stuff like "there is such a thing as journalistic integrity", sounds both phoney and too downmarket tabloid, thanks to Chris England's wooden/ synthetic performance.

The whole shemozzle, which even involves Beth Cordingly's rugbygirl, is too silly for words. Thanks mainly to Tony Bell's odious Nigel, there may be enough comedy knock-about and rough-housing allure to Jonathan Lewis's production for alcoholically enhanced audiences.

Bell first appears in a nun's habit, but then slips out of it for a valuable clowning show as a rugby-crazy fellow, happy to miss his wife giving birth. What a weirdly lowbrow, old-fashioned play for this exciting, experimenting and radical venue! Its proper place is at Edinburgh's Festival Fringe.

Until 2 July. Information: 020 7907 7060.

Breakfast With Jonny Wilkinson