It's panto time!

It must have been a perverse adult mind that invented pantomime. Having pleaded with the kids all year to keep the noise down, we have to sit and watch as they are encouraged to cheer the heroes, hiss the villains, and generally act like embryonic England football fans.

Even more confounding is the genderbending issue - 'Dad, why is that man dressed as a lady?' - try explaining that one to an inquisitive six-year-old. However, for struggling theatres it guarantees bums on seats. It's big business for the stars, too, even though the screams of 'Behind you!' might refer to their TV careers.

Pantoland is now a refuge for washed-up soap stars and wrung-out reality TV flotsam (Corrie's Kevin Kennedy - who plays Curly Watts - is the big draw in Brighton this year, for example, while Big Brother 4 winner Cameron Stout stars in Peter Pan in Aberdeen). Albert Square is obviously the perfect training camp for panto villains, and both Steve McFadden (Phil Mitchell) and John Altman (Nick Cotton) give us their Hooks in respective productions of

Peter Pan this year. McFadden will be swashbuckling on stage at the New Victoria Theatre in Woking, Surrey (Thur 11 Dec-Sun 25 Jan, 01483 545 900, £11-£19.50), while Altman will no doubt be reprising his Nasty Nick character at the Beck Theatre in Hayes (Fri 12 Dec-Sat 10 Jan, 0870 606 3560, £14.50-£15.50). But to prove the point that Walford doesn't just breed baddies, Dean Gaffney (pimply youth Robbie Jackson) pops up at the Ashcroft Theatre, Croydon, where he plays the title role in Aladdin

(Fri 12 Dec-Sun 11 Jan, 020-8688 9291, £10-18.50). This production also boasts this year's most fabulous and inspired piece of panto casting, with Blanche Williams and Hazel Palmer, alias the two havoc-wreaking Jamaican ladies from TV's Lilt commercial, spicing up the show as the Chinese police.

There's something especially satisfying about hissing a down-on-their-luck soap star, and another prime spot this year will be the Richmond Theatre, where the redoubtable Lesley Joseph (from ITV's scrapped soap Night And Day) will be injecting a touch of the demonic Dorian from Birds Of A Feather into her role as The Wicked Queen, in Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs (Thur 11 Dec-Sun 18 Jan, 020-8940 0088, £12-£19, family £50).

Down in Bromley, real-life husband and wife team Linda Lusardi and Sam Kane (ex-Brooksider) star in Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs at the Churchill Theatre, Bromley (Thur 11 Dec-Sun 18 Jan 0870 060 6620, £14-£18). Linda plays the Wicked Queen - though she looks much too sweet to demand the violent demise of Snow White - and frankly, Sam's a little long in the tooth to play the dashing Prince. While this is their seventh panto together, and experience may win through, you can't help but feel that the dwarfs will prove more endearing than the Sunday supplements' golden couple.

The Theatre Royal at Stratford East is a Mecca for panto aficionados. This year, Red Riding Hood (Sat 29 Nov-Sat 24 Jan, 020-8534 0310, £8-£20, child £4-£10) features some rousing reggae and calypso tunes. Ex-Dr Who actor Peter Straker stars as a menacingly seductive wolf while Praveen Sond (one of the original cast members of Bombay Dreams) plays the innocent Red Riding Hood. Glyn Grimstead as Granny looks set to steal the show. A veteran dame, Grimstead is best known as the Ronseal man from the telly ads (imagine him in a frock), so no doubt he'll be doing exactly what it says on the tin.

Hackney Empire is being revamped but the show goes on in the nearby Bullion Room Theatre, where MTV presenter Kat and Choice FM's Wayne Rollins (as Scrooge) bring a bit of street cred to Dickens with an updated and rather funky version of A Christmas Carol (Tue 9 Dec-10 Jan, 020-8985 2424, £8-£12) featuring singing cats, tap-dancing ghosts and a glamorous theatre cat.

Jack And The Beanstalk at the Paul Robeson Theatre in Hounslow (Thur 11 Dec-Sun 11 Jan, 0845 456 2840, £12, child £8) may not have the star names to pull the crowds, but it does boast Dominic Gray as Dame Tilly Trot who's a panto legend. 'Back by popular demand!' screams the poster, describing Gray as 'the most outrageous panto dame ever'. Grown-ups take note: on Thur 8 Jan, Tilly performs a one-off 'adults only' version of the panto that sounds suitably filthy.