Hard cross to bear

Some Roman soldiers are hanging around the foot of the cross. ‘D’yer fink ’e woz kinguvajews?’ asks one, in what passes for a working-class accent in Berkoffland. ‘Don’ maik me LAAAARHF!’ replies another.

It was something of a coincidence. Because at the same moment, I was asking myself whether there was one single redeeming feature in this interminable, pretentious, cackhanded-preachy, bum-andmindnumbing piece of theatrical selfindulgence, and coming up with the same answer.

If there’s one flaw more significant than the others, it’s that Steven Berkoff (writer, director, performer) chooses to use monologue as his main dramatic device.

In his self-deludedly controversial revision of the crucifixion story, Christ, Mary, Pilate, Satan, Judas and the whole crew all get long speeches full of tedious self-exposition (‘I feel this, I feel that,’ yadda yadda) couched in the most adolescent poetic diction: ‘From out forth my stomach came he, out of my blood… my womb… my loins,’ intones Mary.

The ‘humour’ comes mainly from Christ using this kind of ‘high’ language, and then saying, ‘s**t’ or ‘f**k’. The cast of 11 work hard. If you happen to be some kind of lapsed idiot, you might enjoy their efforts. Otherwise, run a mile. Warwick Thompson

Until Jan 3, Old Vic, The Cut SE1, Mon to Fri 8pm, Sat 5pm and 8.30pm, £10 to £30, Mon all seats £15. Tel: 020 7928 7616. Tube: Waterloo

Messiah - Scenes From A Crucifixion