If you can't remember the book...

"I'm not quite sure why I'm leaving you," said Laura.

"Ooh, I can feel another list coming on," I replied. "My five worst bust-ups. Mmm. There was Alison, Jackie ... Hey, this could tie in nicely with my top five love songs ... "

Crash. Rather strangely, Laura had passed out on the doorstep. Never mind, eh? I'm Rob, by the way. Short for Robert, not Robin as in Gibb. I own a record shop. I'm 35 and I still don't understand women any better than I did when I was 10. You could think this was a bit sad, but because I'm knowingly ironic about my emotional retardation you'll probably think I'm quite sweet and funny. I know I do.

I rearrange my record collection and wonder who Laura will be shagging next. More to the point, who will I be shagging next? Surely not Marie, the pub singer, who made me cry with a song that wasn't even on my list of crying songs?

God, I miss Laura. Look, I know I did some stuff that I'm not proud of in the relationship, like sleeping with someone else when she was pregnant, but I really did love her. Sort of.

"Your record collection looks great," said Laura, yawning, as she came to get her stuff. Maybe I'm still in with a chance.

My next shag is Marie. Yeeeees - my 17th and one of my best ever. I was a bit coy and fumbly at first, but she kind of took over.

Maybe it was all a bit too easy, I wonder to myself the next morning. I mean, "Who the f*** is Marie?"

"Can we meet up again,"I plead with Laura over the phone, after re-cataloguing my records.

"OK." "So are you sleeping with Ray or not?"

"Get a life." Easier said than done.

Where shall I start? I know. I'll phone all my exes.

"Have you been avoiding me?" says Marie. "No," I lie as we get into bed.

It's time for another reorganisation of the record collection. Maybe if I'd bought Laura that Otis Redding CD things might have worked out differently.

"My Dad's died," says Laura sniffing.

"Wow, that's like ... heavy." I mean that. Death's the big one. Can get you any time after 35. Maybe even before.

I go to the funeral and on the way back, Laura and I start kissing and she unzips my flies. I think we're back in a relationship.

We move in together again and talk through the really important stuff like records and jacking in my job to become a DJ. We have a few rows and I feel this strange catharsis come over me. Yeah. I am grown up. I can be there for Laura. Call me Mr Commitment from now on, please.