Guvna B: My younger self would tell me to ‘man up’, but I learned the strongest thing is to be vulnerable

I ended up breaking down in tears on a beach in Newport, California three months later. After I had let it all out I felt a freedom I hadn’t felt for a long time. That’s when I started to question my masculinity and everything that had shaped it up until that point. Maybe it’s okay for men to be vulnerable. Maybe we want to but some of us don’t know how.

I was on Channel 4’s Sunday Brunch on Valentine’s Day. I skipped breakfast to leave room in my tummy.  On the show with me was Denise van Outen, which was quite sentimental for me because my Dad loved EastEnders. Anything that reminds me of him is comforting in a bittersweet kind of way. It helps keep him present. Younger Guvna B would be embarrassed of the Guvna B who’s writing this now. He’d call him soft and tell him to “man up” and be strong. One thing I’ve learnt in the last few years is one of the strongest things you can do is be vulnerable.

This week has mostly been me convincing myself that West Ham will qualify for the Champions League and full of interviews. I had one on Tuesday with Kiss FM and they asked me why young people from underprivileged communities like myself can go down a dangerous route in life. I told them about a holiday I had in Ghana a couple of years ago. Along the coast, I watched a fisherman put crabs in a bucket. Every time one of the crabs would climb to the top to escape, another would pull it down. Among young people, the “crabs in a bucket” mentality is pulling each other down because of limited opportunities which breed jealousy and hate. Too much focus is placed on the crabs though, and not enough on the bucket, which is our environment. If our environment enables us to thrive, we tend to make better decisions.

Unspoken: Toxic Masculinity and How I Faced the Man Within the Man is out now