I’m so over the dull office Christmas party haters

It is rather fashionable these days to disdain the office party. To be fair, it is not hard to make the potential horrors multiply like bad dreams: forced conversation, organised fun, your boss watching you dancing.

But it’s time to banish the bad dreams. I’m tired of the fashion for sneering and tired of the haters. The office party is a unique event and should be made the most of — but to do so, you need to follow a strict plan.

Like all good plans, mine starts by copying the armed forces. They say that SAS hardmen never enter a room without an exit plan — and where the crack troops of the British army lead, I follow. Never join a conversation without knowing how you’ll get out of it. The pain of a grinding chat à deux is not, like other sufferings, lessened by being shared. Do face the room so that you can spot a drifting colleague you simply must greet. Do be ready to drain your glass and declare “would you look at that? Time for a refill” (subtext: at the bar, away from you).

A related essential: instantly survey the venue and mentally compile a circulation route. Think of yourself like an aircraft liner above a major hub airport doing your rounds until you can safely land at home.

There are equally important things to avoid. Obviously do not drink too much (more on that later), nor eat too little. Relatedly, though this may sound strange, don’t tell the truth. Offices depend on a shared mutual non-aggression pacts. Do not be the one to break those treaties after oiling your tongue with ill-advised tequila shots. Equally, don’t lie. About anything. Lies always catch up with you in the end and being branded the office Pinocchio is something to avoid. No truth and no lies, I admit, is not an easy path. But nobody said this would be easy. More obvious but essential advice: don’t go home with the wrong person, as a colleague once phrased it. I leave it to your judgment who counts as wrong…

And to return to the issue of how much drink (if you’re drinking, of course), be very careful. “Don’t drink alcohol, kids,” warned model Lottie Moss over the weekend. Her error? Oh, only a facial tattoo of the word “Love” inked just underneath her left eyeball. But you don’t have to go that far to enjoy these strange, but fun, parties.