London is suffering from a pooch pandemic… Sorry, I’m not as in love with your dog as you are

When I heard the wailing I thought my neighbours were having sex. Admittedly it was an unusual noise for a couple in their fifties to make but why not, I thought, simultaneously congratulating myself on my open-mindedness and feeling awkward in anticipation of our next encounter.

The next day I realised how wrong I had been. If only they had been shagging. The animal noises were in fact coming from a real animal. My neighbours, like most of London this year, have bought a dog. He is undoubtedly charming. But I wish he lived elsewhere — ideally not in a small flat with no garden. No wonder he sounds miserable, he is cooped up.

Of course there is nothing inherently wrong with buying a dog. I am not a sociopath — I am as susceptible to their fluffy charms as anyone who has been reduced to a simpering softie with one look from their puppy dog eyes.  

It is because I like our furry friends that I say this. London is being overrun by dogs and it is not sustainable. In Clissold Park at the weekend my friend and I noticed that we were the only people not accompanied by a pooch. We decided to count them and got to 32 before we gave up. Incidentally, the dogs think they own the park. There is an unwritten rule that they have right of way.

Inquiries about buying a dog with the Kennel Club increased by 140 per cent this year. Prices are soaring and you have to be sharp elbowed to get the one you want; a friend proudly outbid the others on a waiting list for a pedigree puppy recently. But what will happen when we go back to work, or worse, tire of having to look after our mutts? As Kate Moss said when she got a dog, “It’s a nightmare. You can’t do a dog in a heel. I’m having to rethink everything.”  

You see the regretful dog owners in the park in the morning, doing a quick duty stroll before confining their pets to the house for the day, or taking them for a spin on their bike (the dogs look sweet, until you realise they are quivering with fear).  

Dog owners don’t realise that not everyone is as in love with their pets as they are. Friends who have bought lockdown puppies have flooded our WhatsApp threads with pictures and when we have met up it has been all about the dog. If you dare point out that you would quite like to hear from them rather than their canine companion you are seen as evil. I do get it — wanting companionship is a natural impulse, especially in a year where we crave distraction from an unpredictable disease. It’s an easy equation, we’re working from home and have a social life-shaped void to fill — a loyal creature who doesn’t answer back and makes you feel like a legend every time you sling them a dog treat is what you want. But what we seem to have forgotten is that there are plenty of other animals better suited to London flats, ones that don’t make noise when they are alone all day or dominate the parks. Just get a cat.

As Lizzo says, “every big girl should do whatever the f*** they want with their bodies”. The singer has been criticised for going on a juice cleanse by busybodies who have misunderstood body positivity and think she is letting the side down by trying to be healthy. But being body positive doesn’t mean fetishising fat, rather it is letting people feel at ease with how they want to be (which sounds simpler than it is). So despite what Lizzo sang, don’t blame it on the juice.