Breaking the bank in Monte Carlo

The last time I went to Monte Carlo, I vowed never to return. Hassled by the Police Department of Monaco every time we parked our battered camper van illegally and frowned upon as, unshaven and bare-footed, we took turns posing for ?hilarious? photos pretending to get into the supercars, it was almost ? we decided ? as if they didn?t want us there.

But I was back. And this time not as a scruffy freeloader, looking to sample one of the world?s most exclusive playgrounds without paying for the privilege.

On the French Riviera, just minutes by helicopter from Nice airport, the most striking thing about Monaco is its size ? or lack of it. Covering an area of just 19,500 acres (think London?s Hyde Park), the principality is confined to a narrow coastal strip by towering hills, creating a microclimate that delivers 300 days of sunshine a year.

I was here as a guest of the Societe des Bains de Mer (SBM), the most prestigious resort in this most desirable of locations, which owns and operates many of Monte Carlo?s luxury properties.

I stayed at the Monte-Carlo Beach Hotel in the leafy eastern side of the Bay of Monaco. This intimate and secluded hideaway has a tradition easing back to the 1930s. All 49 rooms are spacious, consummately equipped and overlook the Med.

It has four restaurants, including La Potini?re, which specialises in putting previous experiences of Mediterranean cuisine to shame.

Water sports are on offer at the private beach, making this a great location for families. Alternatively, if your idea of making a splash is sipping something wet in the shade, the Bamboo club by the Olympic-size seawater pool will oblige.

Guests of SBM are issued with the Carte d?Or, which serves as a passport to the resort?s varied assets. As well as substantial reductions on the hire of facilities at the Country Club and the Golf Club, the gold card offers complimentary access to the casino. First opened in 1863, this now worldrenowned casino was one of the main catalysts for architecturally magnificent Monte Carlo?s growth.

Another jewel in the SBM crown is Les Thermes Marins de Monte-Carlo, a stunning, natural-light-flooded temple devoted to the four gods of fitness, health, beauty and relaxation. Overlooking the bay, this spa oozes heavenly tranquillity. Shuffling around its four floors in a robe accompanied by gentle piped music feels like an out-of-body experience.

A bewildering list of therapies are available and these can be staggered to allow you to spend long minutes floating around the seawater pool, melting in the Turkish baths or checking if that really is a Minogue sister sipping a vitamin-enriched fruit juice in the pool-side bar.

After worship, it would seem almost blasphemous to gorge, so L?Hirondelle restaurant provides a delightful paradox: A mouth-watering, low-calorie menu.

With a flight time from London of less than two hours, the sophisticated delights of Monte Carlo are tantalisingly close. It is a different world, a utopia of beautiful people and exclusive boutiques, where crime is rarer than drizzle and everyone ? from hotel managers to baggage handlers ? is polite, helpful and discreet. It is easy to see why celebrities (and Dannii Minogue) flock here.

But you pay for the privilege. This is a paradise where a crisp credit card rather than good character gets you through the gates. The best advice is to budget heavily for your stay, push the boat out and don?t check your bank balance.

If you come to Monte Carlo with barely two euros to rub together, you?ll leave frustrated ? and I should know.

Duncan travelled with BA courtesy of The Mediterranean Experience (020 8445 6000, www.themed.net.) For other information contact the Societe des Bains de Mer on 00377 92 16 25 25.

Language: French

Currency: £1 = e1.5